I'm bored

So I want you to know:
Have you ever....

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo, when no one was home
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check (I'm a poor college student)
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Book of Mormon or Bible (Just the Bible)
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone (umm...I definitely don't own mine)
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

I have to write something for class

So I am sitting in my technology class...that I enjoy SO much. And we're learning about blogs. I was instructed to write about something...so here I am writing. Thanksgiving was good. Spent time with the family in Phoenix. We went to Glendale Glitters....Chandler and I enjoyed being thug....
because...you know we were in glendale.
I made cookies too, which of course were awesome.
BECAUSE I AM AWESOME.

God..

I want this..
I want this so much...
I think I need to say that.

I don't care about the past...
I WANT THIS.

I'm making the decisions that I feel your letting me make and saying the things I need to say.

I WANT THIS.
With all my heart.

I just need a rant

Yesterday, my mom and I were out shopping in Flagstaff, because my mom loves me and she wants to buy things for me. Anyway, our friend Barb texted my mom telling her that the Highland High School (my alma mater) marching band wasn't going to be playing in the Gilbert Days parade because a student had been killed in a car accident involving a drunk driver. The girl was only 16 when she was taken. I didn't know her personally, but people I know knew her and she is from my high school...and it saddens me her life was taken so senselessly and suddenly. This is my rant.
Too many times people are killed by drunk drivers. TOO MANY. This issue has affected me personally and it breaks my heart when I hear of another young person taken because someone thought it was a good idea to get in a car after drinking. Who in their right mind would think it is ok to get in a car after they've been drinking? Honestly? We all know alcohol impairs judgement, so why do we get in cars after it? What gets me even more is that the driver that hit this girl and her brother was impaired at 6:30 in the MORNING! Who drinks in the morning? Obviously, they have a pathetic life and they are more pathetic for letting their pathetic lives cause them to take the life of a young girl and forever change an entire family. My heart breaks for the family, because I know what it's like to lose a loved one so suddenly like that.

Basically, just don't drink and drive, get a cab, call a friend, have a DD or something..be responsible, it is not that hard.

The little perks in life

My little perks are my students....today I decided that since I've been so stressed out lately and things have just turned out....not as expected, that I needed to destress and laugh a little more, even though generally I am a happy person. ANYWAY, I think I will add more to this list of truly inspirational quotes once I hear some more, today was a golden day though. Here are some memorable quotes from my kids today:

"Look I have boobies!"
~ "Caitlyn" 2 yrs old

"I accidentally got poo on the toilet!" (slightly gross, but her face was classic)
~ "Amy" 4 yrs old

"Teacher! Teacher! I feel like my head is sinking in!!!"
~ Mackenzie 4 yrs old

I must explain the last one I feel. Today Mackenzie and another kid bonked heads on the playground and she ran up to me, not even crying, and said that. I felt bad, because I could barely contain my laughter when she said that! She was so serious and gravely concerned! She did have a pretty big bump though, so we got some ice for her head, which she later decided to suck on in class and share with her friends.
Things I love about my job:

~ I get to color
~ The kids think I am the world greatest drawer, when in fact, I am awful
~ Kids make me smile and laugh, I love it
~ I have truly mastered the "look"
~ I get hugs, and I love hugs
~ I swing on swings on the playground
~ I get to play with playdough
~ I get told I am pretty at least once a day by a four year old
~ I ADORE being called teacher
~ The job is easy and I think it's fun

I LOVE my job.

Really God, REALLY?

I really must just laugh....I laugh because I am stressed beyond belief, I have that stupid AEPA test that I MUST past and I am freaking out cuz it is tomorrow morning and I don't feel ready...I have lesson plans, homework and projects...and now I may not be going to Europe at all....and that was a "closed door" sign for someone. Probably not the only reason, but still frustrating. But you know...I'm just rolling with it, cuz what else can I do? G-d you're so funny, like seriously. I pray something, I think I get the answer from you...and then different things happen. I just don't get it..so I am just going to roll with it. I will graduate, I will pass that horrible awful test called the AEPA, and I will student teach somewhere and someday I will find the right person for my life.

I would just like....some normalcy!

Words of Wisdom: Just roll with the punches!

God is working in me

So..its been kind of a rough few days and God has been teaching me...some more and wanting for me to be patient. BUT Scott Bloyer, my pastor from when I was a wee high schooler at Spring of Life Christian Church (he is now somewhere else) posted a sermon by a pastor named Perry Noble...and let me tell ya..he tells it like it is. Christian men and women BOTH need to step it up and I love how he just says it. I don't want anyone thinking this is directed to anyone specifically..cuz its not, I just think it is so true and I think EVERYONE can benefit from it. Hopefully these post on here:

For the ladies:
http://vimeo.com/2019443

For the gentlemen:

http://vimeo.com/2083483

falling fast

Still Praying....and still falling...

falling fast!

I love it!

Still praying

Still praying over my feelings, but I am such a silly girl.

Really.
Just keep focusing on who really deserves your heart at the moment...
He is not a mere man.

A long time coming

The phoenix is finally rising from the ashes. I feel like I have finally come full circle. While my desires have not really changed, and neither have my hopes and dreams, I am a CHANGED person. I know who I am, I am loving who I am and have hope in who I will be in the future. I know that this high will inevitably be followed by a low...mondays tend to do that, but I do know Tuesday brings a new day. I feel confident in Christ, in who I am in Him and I ADORE that feeling....and never want to lose it again. I remember who I was back when I was 15, 16, 17 and the fire I had, and how college had changed me from the confident, strong, Christian girl, to someone who was broken, unsure, and lacking in faith, and now I am the person I was when I was 15, 16, and 17, except I am no longer a girl, but a woman.
I feel I am the person God was molding me to be, and he will continue to mold me.
I have new feelings now...and I am so glad. I am really praying about these feelings and hoping God will direct me in how I deal with them, because I'm so confused sometimes by them.
I feel like my path is becoming so different from how I planned it to be, but as I have been learning...God's plan is so much better and different from mine. I am happy that His path is different, because I realize I would be miserable if I stayed my previous course and not trusted in Him.

BTW Septemeber is beginning to rival June for postings!

Our Time is Now

I already posted this on Facebook, but I don't care.

This song has always just spoken to me. I have always been a Superchick fan ever since I was like...12. Sad I know, but even if you don't like their music, you cannot deny the resounding truth that is in their words of this song....especially at the end. I was listening to this song while running one day and just broke down crying...realizing I had been failing at the call that was clearly resounding in these lyrics.
How much longer will we be standing back and just watch people's sufferings. We are called for so much more. I do not want to just stand by. Our time is now...think of how much different our homes, communities, nation and world would be if we as Christians would answer our call more readily...and for once people were less selfish and more selfless.
Hero (Red Pill Mix) lyrics

[Verse:]
No one sits with him, he doesn't fit in
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him
Cause you want to belong do you go along?
Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It's not like you hate him or want him to die
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side
Any kindness from you might have saved his life

[Tag:]
Heroes are made when you make a choice

[Chorus:]
You could be a hero
Heroes do what's right
You could be a hero
You might save a life
You could be a hero, You could join the fight
For what's right for what's right for what's right

[Verse:]
No one talks to her, she feels so alone
She's in too much pain to survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life
Each day she goes on is a day that she is brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out a hero is made

[Tag]
[Chorus]

[Verse:]
No one talks to him about how he lives
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his
Doesn't know he's a leader with the way he behaves
And others will follow the choices he's made
He lives on the edge, he's old enough to decide
His brother who wants to be him is just nine
He can do what he wants because it's his right
The choices he makes change a nine year old's life

[Chorus]

[Rap]
Little Mikey D. was the one in class who everyday got brutually harassed
This went on for years until he decided that never again would he shed another tear
So he walked through the door, grabbed a four four out of his father's dressing drawer
And said I can't take life no more
And like that life can be lost
But this ain't even about that
All of us just sat back and watched it happen
Thinkin' it's not my responsibility to solve a problem that isn't about me
This is our problem
This is just one of the daily scenarios which we choose to close our eyes
Instead of doing the right thing
If we make a choice and be the voice for those who won't speak up for themselves
How many lives would be saved, changed, rearranged
Now it's our time to pick a side
So don't keep walkin' by
Not wantin' to intervene
Cause you wanna exist and never be saved
So let's wake up and change the world
Our time is now

So good news...like amazing news

I got accepted into the DODDS program through NAU! Which means.....I'm PROBABLY MOST LIKELY going to Italy in January for student teaching!!! I cannot wait! I still need to actually get that assignment from DODEA, but I am nonetheless excited about going! I am so happy and I feel so incredibly blessed. I mean I am going to Naples, Italy.
check it out!



I now understand why things happened the way they did. I am seeing that god has something different planned for me right now than I originally had planned on.
I am happy with the result so far. :)

I just need to get this out

..before it turns into a sickness within my soul.
I've made a lot of progress and I DON'T want to regress.

She....will NEVER be me and maybe you'll realize that and maybe you won't. And maybe it's a good thing she isn't and maybe it's a bad thing...God has control over that not me. But she will NEVER be me and I will ALWAYS be ME. I am ABBY, and that is something and many people see...just ask those closest to you.
You may not want me anymore and maybe that's for the best, and right now, wanting you is the last thing I want. I want to be past you, so that I don't feel any pain anymore. It's subsided for sure, but somehow you still get to me to bruise my heart.
I am hoping in God's plan, I hold him close right now, despite the fact that I may be making something out of nothing...He is what I need right now. I TRUST in His plan, even though I REALLY do not understand it. I don't understand why He put such a desire in my heart to get married and have a family and serve God in that family..and why He has given me the opportunity to graduate early and all that yet, hasn't given me the one blessing that I have wanted above all else. I do not understand that, but I do trust in His plan.
It can be a hard pill to swallow at times.
She will never be me, I will never be her,you will always be you and He will always be I AM.

Now that I have been able to say my peace, I can go cram in some homework and get on with my fast track to graduation. Oh, I had my DODDS interview today, we'll see by the end of this week how it went. I'm praying God will make it clear where to go next semester after I know if I am accepted into DODDS or not. I'm not anxious of where I might go, but more of just wanting to have an answer. Anyway, I cannot have the emotional roller coaster I may need this week, because I have way too much to do, but I can trust God has me and has my life.

Senior year....of college...

crazy I know.
I'm 20 and a senior...and I feel like I just graduated from high school. maybe cuz I kind did...I mean 06 was only a couple years ago. Anyway, senior year...is stressful. Not anything like it was in High school. You know how you can just blow everything off your senior year of high school? Not the case in college....I wish it was so. Anyway, its been a stressful start for many reasons:

I have 23 credit hours

The partnership with christensen elementary is 21 hours alone ~craziness

I have to make lesson plans each week (which I dunno if I am ready for tomorrow)

My professors are tough. TONS OF HOMEWORK, however not too many tests...at all

I have NO money ~ I work three hours a week at NAU, I had to quit my job a little a cuz of my school schedule

However, this year has been awesome so far because:

Um, I'm living with Ali...that's reason enough

I love my girls from church, partnership and in general

I'm going to football games again which was a blast and a half lemme show ya:















I hope all these pictures worked. Those were from the football games

I am having a lot of fun my senior year and doing a lot of work. It might kill me, but it's my last semester...live it up!
I LOVE my second graders by the way and mr. Macias...he's amazing!
I feel like a teacher!
YAY!
Hopefully tomorrow won't drag me down from this elation that I am feeling at the moment!

Frustrations, life, and Flagstaff

So I'm finally back in Flagstaff for my last semester actually taking classes at NAU. I am so happy to be back here, but I am also let down in some ways. I guess I thought things would be a bit different than I expected. I guess I expected some things to be different and they're not and it's frustrating. I suppose I am kind of lonely. Thats not really it, but that is the best way to describe it. I love my friends though, and I am so glad to be back here with them.

I find the best remedy to my frustrations is to run and talk with God. So I went running along the Urban trail and talked with God. I probably should've been listening more, but I was pretty upset and just needed to vent. I'm trying to listen better now though.
Can I just say that I find nothing more pleasurable than running in God's creation in Flagstaff. It rained today too and so the trees smelled like vanilla and I could smell like that earthy smell that permeates throughout the woods after a good rain. I loved it. Its makes me wonder if I really do want to leave Flagstaff. Plus its not just anywhere that you can run and find a view like this:



Ok so there is no snow up there right now, but you get the picture...which reminds me, now that I am back in flag, I NEED to start taking more photos again.
Anyway, I'm glad I went on my run and talked with God, and continue to. I do not understand what He is doing and I'm frustrated because I don't understand and it seems so unfair, but He does know better than we do. I guess I still have to keep pressing on.

All I need to say

is...

I hope you grow, and change, and I hope this is for real. You've said you were going to change before, and it didn't happen. Maybe I was too easy on you.
I'm not going to be this time.
The crazy thing is I realized I didn't necessarily do it for me, I did it for you.


Words of Wisdom:
Grow up, in general, everyone needs to change and grow up. Every single day this needs to happen, otherwise we are doomed to repeat our mistakes.

I've grown up a lot this summer with all that has happened, but I still have a long way to go.

LA Fitness, Michael Phelps and running thoughts

I am now a runner....
kind of.
I've started training for my half marathon in January and it's been a pretty good two weeks or so. I'm running three miles consistently, which believe it or not, is good for me because frankly I SUCK at running. Anyway, it's been WAY to frickin hot to run outside, even at 7 am, so I've been going to LA fitness to run on the treadmills.
I know running on the treadmill is easier, but I'm sorry, I'm not getting up at 7am my last few weeks of summer and I am NOT running in 100+ degree heat. So, to LA Fitness I go 6 days a week to run. I find running gives me time to think and to listen awesome music and lately watch the amazingness that is MICHAEL PHELPS....



Needless to say watching him swim for our country in the olympics, inspires me to push on and run. The Man is a fish I swear to God.
Anyway, back to LA Fitness. As much as I enjoy running in a cool environment that enables me to watch the hottest swimmer in history, I do not enjoy being around people when I work out. It bothers me. I am either annoyed by people or fear I am annoying others. Also, I hate when people see me while I'm working out or afterwards...cuz frankly I look like hell. Literally...
Also, I have a thing where I don't like people I don't know using the treadmill or elliptical or bike or whatever I may be using next to me. It makes me feel self conscious or I get annoyed cuz they're talking on the phone or to the person next to them or something. Seriously....it's gym...why would you be on the phone when all the other person can hear is you breathing heavily into their ear. That's awkward.
Also, I am unbelievably paranoid I am going to get ringworm or something.
Gross.

Words of wisdom:
Apparently Lifetime Fitness is the place to be....so invest in that instead of LA Fitness or something. You may feel cleaner and there will be less people from your high school senior class there to judge you and the 30 lbs you've gained.

My so called summer 08...baybee!

Because that's what every one is calling it these days. And yes..I wrote BAYBEE....I thought it accentuated the obnoxiousness.
And I think I just made up a word.
Anyway, its been a while since I last blogged...mostly because I'm lazy and partly because nothing THAT exciting has happened. I did recently come back from Michigan, which was fun and good, but still painful. It was very apparent that we were missing one of our girls. I was also able to get a sense of closure because my Aunt let me read some of the things Courtney had written in her Bible, it gave me a peace to know where she was and also made me miss her all the more to see her beautiful handwriting...it was like she was still here.
It was a cool thing though, to see the rest of my family...some of whom I'd never met and others I hadn't seen since I was nine. Like my grandparent's siblings, especially my grandmother's craziest people you will ever meet. And I finally met the elusive Aunt Betty. She's like 80 going on a 102....she's like one of those women that you say "she's a tough old bird" and you mean it...
However, my favorite crazy relative would have to be this man:


Uncle Joey.
I'm not sure if he was ever in the navy, but he wears that hat everywhere he goes and has worn it ever since I can remember. Not only do I love him because of eccentricity but also because he really cares about his great nieces and nephews. It's cool.

In other news....I've decided that since I am in my twenties and I really haven't done anything THAT cool since I was like 17, I am now going to do something really cool. I'm going to train for a half marathon...the PF Chang's Rock N Roll Arizona half marathon to be exact.
For the record....I am NOT a runner. So doing this...is a huge challenge, but I really want to do it. I'm supposed to be in my prime right now and I am not going to miss out on that. Plus...I don't have kids yet and I might as well start running now, so that when I have kids they can see how cool their mom was before them.
Because I will be a cool mom.
And not like Regina George's mom was a cool mom.
Anyway, it was day two of training today...and it went well, definitely better than day one, but let me tell you...this was the WRONG week to start. Need I say more? No I don't.

Anyway, I need to get back to doing something else productive, like practicing for rehearsal tomorrow or dusting....

Advice for the day:
Take advantage of your best years, you're not going to get them back and you probably won't do it when you're old, or in the words of a wise woman I know "you definitely won't do it when you're old...you're too tired."

A letter to the man who captured my heart for 8 years

I've grown too attached again. I suppose it had to do with the fact that Courtney died and I needed the person to whom I have been the closest to help me through this time. But, I need to get back to the good spot I was before Courtney died. The spot where I wasn't upset by you or consumed by you. While I wasn't consumed by you these past few weeks, I was making my way back to being too attached. So, this is it. I dunno if we're just not good for each other, or if it is just timing and that someday at a better time, we'll be together, but for now, you want to date around and I need to be single. I will never understand this fully I don't think, but I do see what God is doing in my life. This is going to help me grow, and as a very dear friend of mine said "God wouldn't have you go through all this and have it be for nothing." I trust in that. It will all be better. I've got to say....that it doesn't look good for us. You want to date other people...obviously I am not giving you something you need....you say you don't want commitment, yet you'll date other women, in my mind that doesn't make sense. Its all fine though. Whatever God has planned is better. There are times that I want to know if His answer for us is a yes, but you have to wait or a no. But I think God doesn't want me worrying about it. So I won't. He has me and He has you, and I am so thankful for that. There is one last thing I must say, because I don't want you thinking for one day that I don't feel this way. I want to live without the what ifs, I wonders, and regrets if anything were to happen to either one of us.

I love you. And I always will, you were the first one to have my heart, and no matter what you will always have a part of it.

Feeling good. Or at least better

Today is a good day. Every day is different, some days are bad, some are good, some are just eh...
Today was a better day.
I think it's because I just kind of chilled, and I got to see my Wowanwee.

wowanwee

Anyway, today was a good day...and there have been realizations that have occured that I've been unable to write about because of courtney's death. I realized...I'm ok with being single. Like truly. And its weird. I realized how attached I was to this one person and how unhealthy it is. The only one I should rely on is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He has me, and I should let Him have me. And I've been doing a lot better at it. Yes, I still stumble, but really...I'm a lot better and I feel such a peace now as well. My insecurities have less of a hold on me, which in turn makes me a better, more controlled, less emotional person in many aspects.
I'm happy, yes, HAPPY single right now. I am learning who I am and who God is and how to be me, and just me. I realized that maybe I am so confused about all the mixed signals I feel like I am getting from god, is because the timing isn't right. I really feel in my heart, it's timing. And if I am wrong about that....if its not just that timing and he and I really aren't supposed to be together, then that is ok. I know that regardless, God is control. If its the wrong time, then when the time comes, God will make it happen. If its the wrong person, God will bring the right person. If it's both, then God will bring the right person at the right time, and make it happen. I do NOT need to be married now or any time soon, despite the fact my mom wants me to go to Moody Bible Institute or Southwestern Bible College so I can get my MRS degree. ( She said this to me this afternoon.)
I'm content with waiting and seeing what God has planned for us or for just me, or for me and someone completely different.
Yes, I still hope for us and yes, I still see a future with him, but if I am wrong, that is ok too, God is in control. And I am FINALLY really, truly at peace and happy about that!

I don't like when I can't sleep

Last time I couldn't sleep like this, was the night my cousin died. I miss her so much. I missed her while she was alive and I miss her even more that she is gone. I feel like I am not handling this well, yet I don't know how to handle it better. I miss her and I still can't believe she is gone and am angry on what we missed out on. However, I'm thankful for the memories I do have of her. Courtney Macheile I love you!



our little ball of fire!



matching asian eyes...we've always resembled each other, she called me little sister
and I looked up to her like one.




I'm going to miss our sleepovers! haha!



being goofy!



I wish we had more time together, or at least this summer together. I'm sad we didn't at least get this summer....

Don't waste time. People can be here one second and gone the next. Love like there will be no tomorrow and live like you were dying.

There are a lot of things I don't understand

There are a lot of things I just do not understand in life. I do not understand why certain things happen or why things go the way they do. Like why did God have to take my 25 year old cousin so suddenly? Why when I finally get to a good spot in my life do things go awry so much? Why does this one person who seems to fit in so many ways and he has all the qualities I want in a husband, but things never seem to work out the way that they need to in order for him to be my husband. I don't understand it. And because I don't understand these things I feel the need to protect myself from them. So I say things and close myself off.
What I do know, is that right now, this is the position I'm supposed to be in. I'm supposed to be single and figuring myself out and I'm ok with that.I still hope that eventually we will be together again, but at the same time I know very well, that there are probably reasons we're not together now and maybe we're just not right each other. I feel in so many ways that we are right for each other, but listening to my heart has hurt me so often before that I don't want to continue to listen to it, because if it was right, wouldn't it have worked out before? Anyway, I don't really have words of wisdom right now because I don't understand a lot of these things.

I thought it would get better

I thought things would somehow get better or easier upon returning home and being able to say goodbye. They haven't. While I did get the closure I needed, I still wanted more time with her while she was alive. Why couldn't God have waited until after we got to spend time together this summer, why did God have to take her at all? I do not understand. I'm so low right now. Depressed beyond circumstance. I feel like I sound like an unbeliever, like I have no hope in jesus. I do though. I know once again we will see each other in heaven in His glory. That doesn't mean I miss her any less or understand why she needed to be taken at 25, when she is young and beautiful and so full of life and potential. Why she had to be taken when we were becoming so close.
I'm also floundering because I feel so alone now in my pain. At least when we were in kentucky everyone was sad for the same reasons I was and felt and understood my pain and I could talk to them about it without fear of bothering them. Now I am home and my mom is burying her pain by having her friend barb over and wearing a smile and I feel like she's butting in too soon right now. I feel like I am bugging the people who I am supposed to be the closest too if I try to vent my sadness to them. I feel selfish that I need them yet at the same time I feel hurt because they don't actively seek to help me. Surprisingly, one person, who I just met in March, is the only one who has been consistently checking up on me. It's remarkable how that works out, and I am extremely grateful for him.
At the same time there are people who have gone through the same type of thing as me, but I dont want to talk to them, because I don't know them and also when something bad happens like this, there are only a few people I want to talk to or want to be around at first.
I would just like the people who I need to be there for me. Thats what Id like.
I would and have been there for them in their time of need, WITHOUT THEM ASKING.
I'm just there.

I'm angry and sad and tormented right now. I am looking to Christ to give me peace and I pray it is coming. I feel so abandoned right now, but I also know He is here. I just hope my aunt and uncle and cousin michael do not have the same feelings of abandonment as me because that would be plain awful.

My words of wisdom: Don't expect the pain to just go away whether or not it is you or a friend in pain. If you say you're there for someone during a difficult time, especially the hardest time theyve ever experienced, really BE THERE for them.

Never take a moment for granted

This week has been one of the hardest weeks ever. Last week was the best week I have had in a while, I finally was in a good place. Then Sunday morning happened. Sunday morning at 3 am Eastern Time, my cousin Courtney, who was like a big sister to me was killed in a car accident. She was only 25, yes another 20 something girl. The tragedy and pain of her loss is extremely hard on our family. We didn't expect this and weren't ready for it. She and I had gotten close in the past year or so and I was sooo looking forward to seeing her in July at our family reunion. I actually hadn't talked to her in a few weeks because I had just been so busy. I even thought of texting her the night before she died, and I didn't because I didn't want to bother her. I wish I had now. I wish I had told her I loved her and that she should wear her seatbelt and to not let her boyfriend speed. I wish I had reminisced that night about her making me eat a spider and when we went on the Zipper ride together in Fountain Hills and I knew I wasn't supposed to, but it turned out to be so much fun. I wish I had laughed at how ridiculous our grandparents can be, one more time, reminisced about how lame, yet how fun Michigan's Adventure is and all the fun we had screaming on tubes behind Uncle Steve's boat in Saranac and the river. However, I am glad to know, she is with Jesus now. She didn't suffer and isn't in pain and is now rejoicing and praising God with the angels. But how we will miss her here until she comes home.
I'm writing this, in part to vent..to let part of my emotions out, and I have many different ones, but I am also writing this to remind you not to take what you have for granted.
Don't take for granted the moments you have. If you love someone tell them, don't let it go unsaid, because you don't know if you'll be able to say it again. Live life to its fullest and embrace each day as the gift that it is from God. Don't wait around to do something or for someone, who knows how much longer you have.
Also, for goodness sake, WEAR YOUR SEATBELT! I don't care how far you are going, where you are, WEAR YOUR SEATBELT! If she had just worn her seatbelt she probably would still be here with us, they may seem like an inconvienence at times, but THEY SAVE LIVES!
Those are my words of wisdom for now. Maybe I'll have more when I come back from Kentucky. Tomorrow is going to be a HARD day.

I'm definitely recovering

I was dealt quite the blow a month and a week ago, not gonna lie. I've had an extremely tough year. I'm finally recovering. I don't know what exactly went wrong...if we got too close, if I expected too much, if he didn't give enough or if we were just completely wrong for each other (I still want to doubt that), but something went terribly wrong. I wonder sometimes how worse off I'd be now, if I hadn't said we needed to break up almost a year ago. And now....just now, I'm actually feeling ok. It's weird...

Everything is so completely different from how it used to be. It's a good thing I suppose. It's all really in God's hands....things turned out sooooo completely different from how I thought they would. I'm seeing the goodness in this really crappy experience. Maybe we're just not right for each other...he will find someone wonderful for him, and I hold on to the hope that God will bring the right person to me....and will probably do it when I least expect it. I have to realize I am worth it and I am good enough...because I find so many reasons why I am not.

I always have that problem...of thinking I am not good enough....not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not good enough, not a strong enough christian, not perfect enough....it has led me to some really dark places in my life. From pushing away my closest friends to succumbing to an awful disease...bulimia.
Satan knows where to bring the strong down...because 5 years ago, I was the girl who was soooo strong in Christ and on fire and knew her purpose was to serve Him. I'm working on finding an older wiser version of her now. I know now where the degeneration of that 15 year old girl was my grandfather's death right before my 16th birthday. It hit me hard...and I still have a lot of demons with that...and I'm not exactly sure why, I suppose part of it is because we were close and he set the spiritual foundation for our family.
It shook my foundation.
Anyway, I'm working my way back. I really am, and I am glad of it. I am back in focus and seeing that God has his plans and I just need to listen.

UPDATE: Another reason I can tell I'm like better now...I cleaned my room finally. I think a person's room, especially mine...reflects how they are feeling. My room has been in a constant state of disarray and I finally had the initiative and felt like I could actually pick up the pieces of my room. I feel so much better after cleaning my room.

Words of Wisdom: Be still and listen. That's it.

Mawaige is what bwings us togewver today

I recently watched The Princess Bride can you tell?

I freakin love that movie....anyway, there is a point to this blog. Today or should I say yesterday....my good friend Ashleigh got married today. I'm so happy for her, she seems to found a perfect match for her and I am so thrilled.
I'm not going to lie though, I am also quite envious. This isn't the first time I have been envious of her, she also had boyfriends before I did and had her first kiss before I did...this was back in like jr high/early high school, but still. And I don't like being envious and I am TRULY happy and excited for her.
I guess the thing is, I really do want to be married, well at least engaged....heck I'd be happy with a relationship in general. I don't want it with just anyone though. Everyone seems to have this idea that I am going to run off and get married to the first guy that asks me, um soooo not the case, as much as I love the song Last Name by Carrie Underwood, and I have professed I secretly in a way want to live out that song....I really don't. I guess because people see me wanting to be married to one person...or have seen me wanting to be married to this one person, for so long that they believe I'll run off a marry some shmoe. no...no..no. I thought he was the one..completely different situation.
However, I do still want to be married and do feel frustrated that I am single in my 20s. Yes I know...I'm too young to be married, I will change so much, I am not ready....
I'm not ready? Really? You are the judge of my readiness why? HOw come other people my age and younger are able to get married? Why is it ok for them? I'm a pretty mature person for my age...yes I still have many things to experience, but still...I mean even academically I am ahead for my age. I've always been ahead.
I realize my dream of becoming a wife and mother (yes, my dream, because really all I've ever wanted to be is a wife and mother, my whole life, I knew that is who I wanted to be.) will happen in God's timing. I realize that. I don't like God's timing so far, but what can I do?
I would like people to stop telling me that I am too young. I'm not too young, I'm not, if I were too young, other people my age would not be getting married at the rate they are.
Anyway, I'm frustrated and tired...btw...if you ever think it's a good idea to take a philosophy class...it's not, trust me.

Words of Wisdom:
Don't listen to other people's input on your life choices that are based upon your age...it's just frustrating. And remember 1 Timothy 4:12

It Just Doesn't Work

Every one does it after a big break up; you try to "just be friends". It just doesn't work. Sure you can be semi ok with it for a while...or for me..almost a year, but in the end one or the other or both of you are just miserable, because you're not really getting what you want.
I'm trying to just be friends...for real, no physicality, no depending on me, no emotional support beyond friendship...and I am miserable. I feel he doesn't care, I'm frustrated because we used to share EVERYTHING and be so close...now, I'm angry with him and have closed myself off.
I hate it.
There really isn't a point. I just need to cut myself off completely. It's not making me better and its not making him any happier.

It really sucks, because I still hurt so much being cut off from him, and it just doesn't phase him.
I've learned I will NEVER understand men, especially at this age. They don't know what they want and they leave it to our expense.
Words of Wisdom: choose carefully in who you invest in emotionally, because if you're not careful you could end up emotionally bankrupt.

Learning to Focus

Focus can be something tricky for people in general to keep track of. What do we focus on? What should we focus on?



I've been going through a lot lately...and while that is all water under the bridge now and all taken care of and I'm no longer bitter or angry or resentful, it has been tough and it's still not something I want to go through. I still hope, still, that things can work out in the future and still see in so many ways how he is so good for me. Right now though, we're just not...we're not in the right places in life, our relationship needs to be repaired or maybe even just restarted all together, but maybe just maybe there is a future for us somewhere. We'll see.
But what would've made this a lot less painful and a lot less....drawn out, is if I had my focus in the right place. I was so fixated on him, on being with him, on planning our future together, on his life, that I lost sight of me...and most importantly my faith. I was also too prideful to admit that was what I was doing, even when I knew I was. So, while I still hope that he is my future, I'm not going to be consumed by that...something has changed, and something has finally just clicked in my brain and I am going to focus on me, and my life, and my relationship with Christ, no one else. I have this feeling God has destined me for great and wonderful things and while I still hold out that hope that these great and wonderful things happen with him in my life and as my "partner in crime", I find hope and trust in the fact that if our futures do not cross, there is something better for me. Better than I have known and imagined, and while now that seems impossible in my mind, I've learned God is not one of limits. He wants my life, and I've given it before to him and I grew so drastically, I need to give it again, and stick with it. It's hard to do, and it's going to take me a while to change.

Words of Wisdom: As a follower of Christ, nothing should be put before Christ, nothing, because the only way He'll get you to put your focus back on Him, is by doing something drastic in your life....over and over till you get it.

We are stupid lambs...sadly...thankfully we have a shepherd who loves us without condition and will lead us home when we go astray.

A 260 mile drive

So, today was move up night. So, being the wonderful youth coach I am....I drove from Gilbert to Flagstaff and back for filming. So I grabbed as many of my old barbies as I could (part of the video, I'm not a creeper) and flew off to Flagstaff in my little red rocket.


This is my red rocket

Anyway, being that it is about 5 hours round trip, I had a lot of time to think on my own today. I realized I'm very angry still. Very angry and very bitter. It's not good. In fact its bad, and it makes me wonder if maybe I should stay this mad. I think I should actually, but is it Godly?
People hold on to so many things, anger, jealousy, sadness, love and it's hard to let go, especially when we become comfortable with these emotions. I realized however, that I am not comfortable with hating and being so angry with someone that I loved for so long and still care about very deeply. I just don't want him to know that. I'm afraid if he knows how much I do care, it will end up hurting me.
How sad it is. Really, it is. So I have yet to come to the conclusion on whether or not I should reach out to him at all.
The one thing I do know for sure is that it is not healthy for a person to hold on to anger and yes I still am doing it, even though I know it is not healthy. But I was hurt badly, and yes in some way I desire him to feel my pain...revenge I guess..I'm sick, I know.
Can I also just say that A Fine Frenzy is amazing...I also listened to her the whole 5 hours and she's amazing. Her voice has so much emotion...I sang along and it was like therapy. Perfect for driving at night and you just want to cry, good girl music.

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I think I shall hit the sack now, it's time for bed. I had a long long night.

Words of Wisdom:
Don't hold on to grudges for too long....just long enough for you to not be so angry and bite their head off when speaking.

Some may say I'm a dreamer