I hate

when I can't sleep....

Especially when the reason is because I have too many things on my mind and on my heart. And I can't get the off of my mind and especially not off my heart.

To do that would be suicide. (figuratively speaking)

I wish I had someone, like physically here, that I could just confess all my feelings and thoughts to and they would just sit and listen and not judge me and just offer real feedback.
And I wouldn't have to fear of embarrassment.
or judgement. or be told I am wrong in every sort of way possible. or told that I am crazy.

I really feel annoying sometimes, or that something is inherently wrong with me that people just don't like about me and I am not sure what it is.
Maybe I am just paranoid.
But lately I do feel like I am invisible
and I just want to be noticed. Like REALLY noticed.
Why can't I be the girl that stands out? What do I do or say or look like that makes me so invisible or whatever....I don't know if you could call it invisiblity.

These were all just random thoughts firing in my head...hopefully now I can sleep.
I sure hope so. My brain needs to shut down for a while. I overthink.

Way too often.

Little Boys....grow up

A constant frustration I have, and many other girls my age have lately is with "boys" and dating. Where are the men? It seems the prevailing issue I am seeing is that all that seems to be available to single, christ-following women are little boys, who want to stay little boys. Where are the strong men of Christ? The hardest part is thinking that you've found a MAN, but really all you've found is a boy playing in his daddy's clothing. I am frustrated by the fact that a lot of guys, I've noticed (and it's not all of them by any means, just the ones I like apparently) just want to play games with women and not take the initiative on anything, nor do they want to take ownership of their faith and follow Christ fully and completely. THat is such a necessity for me. I need a man who is a spiritual leader, not someone who will bring me down.

I've found that more and more, I am beginning to compare guys to my dad and see how they measure up to him. A lot of them pale in comparison to the type of man my father is. He is truly awesome. My daddy is such a great man of God and truly the spiritual head of our family. I always thought it was normal for families to pray all together before going to bed, or for the father to pray with his wife and children before going to school or work, or to have family devotions at the dinner table. It wasnt until I was in high school that I realized that it is not typical for even a lot of "Christian" families to do this. However, I know that without the things that my father had our family do and that if my father had not made our faith in Jesus Christ so important, I would not be the person I am today and I wouldn't be involved in the church at this point probably. This is what I want for my children and for myself as a wife one day as well. I want a man who will pray with me, follow Christ before his own desires, a man who will read the word with me and participate in devotions with me and also feed himself spiritually as well. Iw ant a man who will encourage me to grow in my faith and will instill that importance in our children as well.
It's easy to think that I will never find this and that this is a dying breed, however I do know that with God all things are possible and there ARE men out there somewhere, I just need to stop looking so hard.

BIG day

Today is a big day. "Army boy" comes home after months and months of talking and never meeting. I am hoping I will be able to meet him tonight, we shall see. Regardless, I am excited he will be home in an hour and a half. :)

Stuck in a rut

Ever have those weeks where you just feel stuck in a rut? You're in a gloomy mood and it just won't go away? I've been stuck in one of those for a while. I have a lot of insecurities bubbling up, and it's frustrating. I need to find a way to remedy it. I had my first formal evaluation yesterday as a real teacher two weeks ago and had my post-observation conference last week. I was so incredibly nervous and totally doubted my abilities as a teacher. I got a pretty positive review back though. It's funny how untrusting of ourselves and of God we really can be, I was worried over nothing. I had images of being fired and having to go look for a job out of the teaching field forever because no one wants to hire a fired teacher. haha! Totally unnecessary. While I still very often doubt my abilities as a teacher, especially today, I still can rest in the face that there is a reason I am there because God put me there. That is comforting.

Last weekend I went to the Switchfoot concert with my family at Martini Ranch. It was AMAZING! I am so dead serious. One of the best live shows ever and I am officially in love with Martini Ranch as a concert venue, very intimate and just awesome, not to mention Switchfoot is amazing live. They played mostly their new cd and I hadn't heard it yet, I bought it and I am now obsessed. The lyrics are just so powerful, especially in the song " Your Love is a Song"....check it out if you can.

Been talking to a boy for the past 8 months, he comes home in about three weeks. very nervous, and excited, annoyed a little right now, but still excited.

Hopefully I can keep myself sane for the time being.

I went to Dallas back in October for Fall Break, I <3 Texas.

Sex and Chocolate

So, today my mind was having fantastical thoughts....as usual. And I began thinking about how lately I have been craving nothing but chocolate or something sweet and how it is almost impossible for me to not give into that temptation of finding something gooey, chocolately and amazing to stuff in my face. However, I know that if or more accurately, when I do actually eat that amazing, gooey, chocolately piece of heaven, I am going to immediately realize and regret it. Why? Because I know it is not good for me, and I know that it is going to just go straight to my hips. (Yay me!) So why do I continue to do it? Because at the time I think that if I don't give in, my craving is just going to stay with me and never ever ever ever leave until I give in. However, this is not true in reality.

I realized today, that this must be what men feel like in regards to sex. I think it is hard for women to understand what a power sex has over men, married and unmarried. So I guess the best way to understand it, is to put it in the context of our own cravings. IE:
chocolate is to girls as sex is to boys

like my analogy?
Anyway, as a single, christian woman, dating single, christian men, it is important for me to remember this, and have that affect how I dress and act. Because how I look or act can be like that piece of chocolate on the counter, tempting me to just take a little bite.....soon that little bite becomes the whole container of ice cream gone and the chocolate syrup bottle is half empty.
I dunno, maybe I am off and please feel free to correct me. These are just random thoughts that run through my mind.

The REAL me...

I feel that lately people have been either perceiving me incorrectly or don't completely understand me, or maybe I am just misrepresenting myself. So, to make it a little easier, I am compiling it into list format:

I am:

- A follower of Jesus Christ

-A woman

-A daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, cousin, best friend

-I'm the most loyal friend you'll ever have, whether you want me or not usually.

- I can be hypocrite, without even realizing it. Sorry

- I am not perfect, as much as I try

-I struggle with my self image

-I have a lot of love to give, I just need the chance

-I could be more loving at the same time

- I am emotional, however I DO NOT cause nor do I want drama

- I feel so old and young at the same time

- I am angry/happy/scared when I drive

- I am still afraid of driving, and I no longer completely trust ANYONE who drives me around

- I'm addicted to texting, if it's not your form of communication just let me know

- It drives me INSANE when people are rude to me because they are annoyed, just let me know before it makes you upset enough to treat me wrongly, I will adjust my actions beforehand.

- I love my job, yet it is sooo incredibly hard at times, I wonder if God knew what he was doing, putting me in teaching.

- Be completely honest with me, I will be with you

- I hope to one day live in Colorado

- Don't call me judgmental, just because I don't support Gay marriage, Obama, Socialized health care, liberals, abortion, etc. I'm entitled to my beliefs too and it is possible for me to disagree with something and still love the people too.

- I try my best to not be clingy, but I am sure I fail miserably at times

- Flowers are the way to my heart

- Even though I complain a lot about my students, and they DO drive me nuts, I love them to death, and I know deep down, a lot of their problems are a result of neglect by their parents.

- I feel like I failed in someway because I am not a missionary, and I grew up believing I would be

- My true dream is to be a wife and mother

- If I feel our friendship/relationship is one sided, I will just leave you alone eventually, I don't have the energy for those relationships anymore

- I regret my whole freshman year of college, even though I grew the most from it

- I get jealous of pretty girls

- I feel my one truly beautiful feature about myself, is my hair and even that isn't always perfect

- I think I have a compassionate heart, and a kind heart, but the older I get the harder it is for me to constantly show it

- I will always be a daddy's girl

- I am not perfect, nor do I think I am, but I know I sometimes judge people for the same things I am technically guilty of

-I usually love who I am

- I just want to be accepted and loved

-I'm a recovering people pleaser

-I go through different styles constantly

-Don't attempt to resolve a conflict with me over text message...at least if you're a guy. It doesn't work.

- I have a lot of feelings, and I will write about them, you DON'T have to read them.

It bothers me

It bothers me
a poem by Abby Nick

It bothers me that I am so tired
and I don't feel like writing anymore

It bothers me that she gave up on her lifelong commitment
and it somehow affects my relationships

It bothers me that you feel you can judge my relationship with Christ
and I didn't do anything wrong

It bothers me that I feel torn between two sides
and I can't help one without hurting the other

It bothers me that I am so patient
and yet others don't have to wait at all

It bothers me that you liked her picture
and hardly said anything to me at all

It bothers me that I have feelings for you despite our previously STRICTLY plutonic relationship
and I've been denying them all along

It bothers me that I will continue to deny
and you'll never feel them at all

It bothers me that it was THEIR disobedience
and someone constantly makes me feel like I am in the wrong

It bothers me that all these things bother me
and I'd rather just not care at all.

I just wrote this so that you'd notice.
YOU don't bother me at all.

Been a while

It's been a while since I last updated on my life as of late. To be perfectly honest, I don't have a ton of time to do so. "Why?" you may ask, well, I have now officially become an adult, or so called adult, I have started my long awaited career of being a teacher. It is still weird to say that. Yes, I am a teacher. I am called Miss Nick 75% of my day,I grade papers, I teach teach teach, assess assess assess and go to stupid trainings for my whole weekend now. While my career is very rewarding and I love each and every one of my kids, my job is hard. It's only the second week and I am realizing thoroughly that I quite possibly could be way in over my head. There is just a lot to do and it is seemingly never ending.
But....
before I get too negative.....I love teaching. I love my kids, and they are MY kids. I was heartbroken that yesterday one of my kids was possibly hurt yesterday in my classroom and it broke my heart when one of my students said he was deducting points from his day because he was born. I see how desperate some of them are for attention and love and I hope they feel that I love them, value you them and care for them, even when they drive me up the wall. And maybe they may not become geniuses in my class, but I hope they at least feel appreciated. I hope somehow I make a difference, if it is only in a small way.

Obviously, my life is only teaching right now. I am trying to maintain a social life, but it was weird for a while. I'm dealing with a lot of drama that really isn't mine lately. It's been taking a toll on me, but I would rather help support others right now. The problem is that I am trying to be on two sides at once, and it's not very successful. I wish I could separate myself from the situation, but I am not going to do that, because that would require me to separate myself completely from the people involved. And I love the people involved.
It's just a lot....and hopefully I won't destroy any chance of me having a good thing with a certain person because....I really would like the chance.

Long over due update

I recently got a complaint from a friend of mine that I haven't written in a while, so here I am writing. So to update on my life, I am now a certified teacher, have a job and recently signed my contract as a 5th grade teacher at Collier Elementary School in Tolleson/Avondale. I'm so very excited to start teaching and at the same time scared out of my mind. I just wonder if I am really truly ready. I probably could use a few more months before I will really FEEL ready, but I know regardless if I feel ready, or not, God will be with me every day that I am teaching. That is definitely comforting.

I recently went to Michigan to visit my mom's family and it was a blast! It's still hard to go back, because it does still remind me of Courtney, but over all it was a good time.










Ok, so I have this semi sick obsession with the show "Bridezillas" on WE. If you've never seen this show, it basically follows these women in the last few weeks of up to their wedding and the day of their wedding. However, these women, are the WORST bridezilla's I've ever seen. However, in all the shows I've seen it seems the bride is not just a bridezilla, she's just mean all the time, mean or spoiled or whatever. It is ridiculous! I saw one show where the bride SMASHED the wedding cake, in the bakery, the day before her wedding, because she said it wasn't done in accordance to her instructions (which, she admitted it was, she just wanted to show her authority....what?!) and stormed out of the store. She didn't look like she was showing her authority, it was more like she was acting like a spoiled four year old. It's when I watch this show, where I wonder, how am I single still? If these women, who probably somewhere have their redeeming qualities, are able to get married, why am I unable to find someone? It's one of the many questions I ask God.

On another note, I have been talking to a guy in Iraq for the past 3 months or so, and our conversation is kind of stalling a bit. Any ideas?

Discouraged

So lately, really as of today, I am feeling really discouraged. I feel so unhappy with my body right now, my love life is borderline non existant and I'm unemployed. And it's not for lack of trying on all of those things. I have been going to the gym at least 5 days a week and working out for 45 minutes to an hour and eating better. I don't even want to go into my lack of love life and the unemployed thing....I'm trying. I have been putting myself out there as much as I can. I think really whats getting to me is my self image. I felt like I had maybe lost some weight this past week until I put on a pair of pants, that is when I realized I may have actually gained weight. I'm so disappointed. I want to look good for my cousin's wedding in July and I feel like I'm not. Oh well. I am going to try to remain positive and just keep working for that goal and I know I have my heavenly Father to rely on as well. That is encouraging, because I know he won't let me fall to far, be alone, and he knows how truly beautiful I am. I need to be better at remembering that.

I am stressed

Apparently.

I really don't have a ton of reason to be stressed out. I'm not even teaching right now, but I think all the stress of my life has finally caught up with me now that I have a chance to breathe...kind of. I've seriously developed a nervous twitch. Every time I sneeze my eyes twitches furiously.....and I've been sneezing a lot, and now my eye is starting to twitch on its own. I'm worried.
Not really.

But seriously, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have been non-stop applying for jobs and trying to get everything in order for interviewing...that I'm starting to lose it, subconciously, because I really am like happy right now. I don't necessarily feel stressed, yet I know I am. I suppose it's because I've been stressed out for over a year now. I'm not exaggerating, I am being serious....lets take a look at what I've done the past year shall we?

Spring semester 2008:
-Started the partnership program = 19 credit hours
+
making lesson plans for the first time for partnership program
+
3 more credit hours for my junior writing course
Grand total of credit hours= 21 hours= junior status as a sophomore...what what!?

extra credit: Worked 15-17 hours as a waitress at Little America, closed many nights, would average getting to bed around midnight.
....woke up at 6:45am

January 2008 (runs concurrently with spring semester 2008)
I contracted mononucleosis (known as the kissing disease)...thought I was going to die...yet STILL went to school and taught 6th grade every day.

Summer 2008
-Took 12 credit hours at CGCC
-Went to class daily
-Wasn't really that hard, however...
-I took philosophy....STUPIDEST CLASS EVER...got a B
+worked at Salerno's did a lot of reading while at work for forementioned class.

Extra credit:
My wonderful beautiful cousin Courtney was killed in a car accident in June....in the middle of my busy school schedule. Luckily I had very forgiving professors.
And I volunteered at church...a lot.

Fall 2008
Continued Partnership program= 21 credit hours
+
writing lesson plans....still, at least I am a little bit faster now
+
Kickboxing and self-defense classes= 2 credit hours = 23 credit hours = senior status at beginning of Junior year...what what!!?

Extra credit:
Worked two jobs: 3 hours a week at Morton (boo) and 15 hours at Abundant Life Preschool + being a youth coach at CCOF (done since october 2008) however it was stepped up this semester + Texas wedding the SAME EXACT week of midterms = taking a midterm in the car one the way from South Padre Island to Brownsville.
bonus: took the AEPA tests...awesome

Spring 2009:
Student teaching.....nuff said.
Lesson plans, unit plans, observations, papers, being snowed in at Mund's Park
+
HORRIBLE economy and teacher cuts
+
trying to find a job and get certified and make a portfolio
= stressed out

Extra credit: Working 6 hours a week = no money = more stress


Awesome
:)

He Is Risen!

He is risen indeed! Happy Easter y'all! I love this holiday, it gives me the greatest reason to rejoice. If it had not been for Jesus' death and resurrection I would be without hope. Easter is one of my favorite holidays because of that hope. Exciting weekend so far. Yesterday spent a good amount of time with the girls from partnership and then had a birthday party with Hannah. I love that girl, and I miss her so much. I feel like we've reconnected again and I love that feeling. This weekend has just been a good weekend overall. Having a good weekend this weekend makes me feel a bit better about moving back home for a while.
Yes, I am moving back in with the rents for a while, I am not sure till when or whatever, but I know I can't move on my own now. It'll be kind of hard, independence wise, but it'll be great economically and I have missed my family. God has a plan, so its all good.
I can't believe I only have 2 more weeks after friday of teaching left in 6th grade. I'm going to be so sad. I wish I could just stay. My kids have been difficult lately, but I still will miss them..
Also, growing up is weird. I just need to say that. I'll be 21 next month, I didn't think it'd feel like this. I dunno, I just don't feel as old as my age....can I stay 21 forever?

Elliptical Reflections

As I was working out a couple hours ago, I went into my workout "bubble" if you will and reflected on my life. My life is so up in the air right now. I have no idea what I am doing in a matter of weeks....yes weeks, what I am doing in the Fall, or anything. Thankfully I DO know that my heavenly Father has a plan, even when I don't. I should be freaking out right now, because I don't even have a job after the 8th of May and prospects are looking bleak. It's a scary time and while I do feel scared, I have peace.
I also should be upset too because I recently had a relationship end. While I am disappointed it didn't work out and I do miss having someone to take care of me, spend time with , and share a part of my life with, I am still extremely happy. Which is odd for me. I know there is a reason we didn't work out and that God has someone planned for specially for me, and I am excited to see who this person will be, and I know he will come. Its hard for me to remain still and patient, so god is working in me. Also, I think it makes it easier too because I know Derek and I can be friends, and I cherish that.
God is trying to teach me to live in the present and be happy in the present, and not always be waiting for the future. If I wait for the future all the time, how can I enjoy the present?
Oh btw, I went blonde again, this makes me happy. I always feel so much more sunnier when I am blonde. But I do get teased a lot more for "being blonde". I just realized today as I watching Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix, that I am like Luna Lovegood. I'm spacey at times. Oh well, that's me and I like me.

March Madness

So I feel really encouraged lately in my teaching abilities. My kids and I have been learning about Rome for the past two weeks and my kids are also doing their debates this week and everything has been going so well. I am hoping that tomorrow I can post some pictures of my kids debating. We'll see. I can't believe that I am already more than half way through student teaching...it's so weird. I can't believe this is all coming to fruition already! While I love teaching, I must say, I AM SO READY FOR SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!

Derek and I are great, everyday I fall more and more in love with him. He is an amazing man of God and I am blessed, even on the days where I wish he had siblings so that he would stop picking on me so much! :) He's such a dork, I love him.

I've started running again too. Partly in preparation for my cousin's wedding in July (which I am Maid of Honor in) and partly so I can be in shape again...not to mention the weather in Flagstaff has been BEAUTIFUL! This makes me even more excited for spring break. Just having the sun out and everything makes me so much happier, even in this world of doom and gloom lately. There are so many uncertainties in the world right now with the economy and being outside in God's creation reminds me I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and holds me in the palm of His hand and HE knows the plans He has for me. That is so comforting.

New love

I RAHEELLY (really) need to update this thing, with like a legitimate post. So today is officially Valentine's day and I finally have a Valentine. Not only do I have a Valentine, I have a boyfriend. An amazing boyfriend. His name is Derek, and I met him at church in Flagstaff, and he is a firefighter....need I say more? But that's only the beginning of it. Derek is so sweet and sensitive to me, but at the same time, he makes me laugh like no other. He also loves Jesus with all his heart, and I am so thankful for His strong and close relationship with God. We have so much in common and he really just gets me. I love that. We've only been together for little more than a week and yet, we are so close. I feel like we've been dating for forever, we both feel that way.
To sum it up...I love him, wholly and completely, without reservation...I am his.

I never have felt so strongly for a person before, or so quickly. He's is unique and special beyond a doubt. I can't wait to see what God has planned for us and our lives together. I continually pray that God will bless our relationship and that our relationship will be honoring and pleasing to God and He will use our relationship for His glory.

I have to tell the story of how Derek and I got together.
The first time we met, I totally shot him down, without even realizing it. He came up to talk to me one day at a youth service ( I volunteer as a leader there) and I totally said " I think they want us talking with the students." BURN. I didn't mean to or know that I was like...being so mean. Then in December a guy randomly adds me on facebook and I notice that we have like 20 friends in common, all from church, so I think "maybe I met him and I don't remember, I would feel really bad if I didn't add him and we had met! Plus, he's pretty cute...it can't hurt?" SO I add him and then message him asking " Hey have we met before?" And he answers with "Well we haven't officially met, but I've seen you around." And so for the next few days we kinda message back and forth. Then the correspondance stopped while I was in Phoenix for Christmas. Then when I came back home we started talking through facebook again and we just a lot of similarities and we really got along and we finally met at church "officially". Then, I boldly gave him my number and he boldly texted me, from there we texted, talked for HOURS on the phone and hung out...then we realized we didn't want to date anybody else, the rest is history.
Great story right?

Relationship status

Abby's relationship status = Taken, by the most amazing person ever!

I am so blessed, and God is just amazing.
Details later....

♥