Every one does it after a big break up; you try to "just be friends". It just doesn't work. Sure you can be semi ok with it for a while...or for me..almost a year, but in the end one or the other or both of you are just miserable, because you're not really getting what you want.
I'm trying to just be friends...for real, no physicality, no depending on me, no emotional support beyond friendship...and I am miserable. I feel he doesn't care, I'm frustrated because we used to share EVERYTHING and be so close...now, I'm angry with him and have closed myself off.
I hate it.
There really isn't a point. I just need to cut myself off completely. It's not making me better and its not making him any happier.
It really sucks, because I still hurt so much being cut off from him, and it just doesn't phase him.
I've learned I will NEVER understand men, especially at this age. They don't know what they want and they leave it to our expense.
Words of Wisdom: choose carefully in who you invest in emotionally, because if you're not careful you could end up emotionally bankrupt.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Learning to Focus
Focus can be something tricky for people in general to keep track of. What do we focus on? What should we focus on?
I've been going through a lot lately...and while that is all water under the bridge now and all taken care of and I'm no longer bitter or angry or resentful, it has been tough and it's still not something I want to go through. I still hope, still, that things can work out in the future and still see in so many ways how he is so good for me. Right now though, we're just not...we're not in the right places in life, our relationship needs to be repaired or maybe even just restarted all together, but maybe just maybe there is a future for us somewhere. We'll see.
But what would've made this a lot less painful and a lot less....drawn out, is if I had my focus in the right place. I was so fixated on him, on being with him, on planning our future together, on his life, that I lost sight of me...and most importantly my faith. I was also too prideful to admit that was what I was doing, even when I knew I was. So, while I still hope that he is my future, I'm not going to be consumed by that...something has changed, and something has finally just clicked in my brain and I am going to focus on me, and my life, and my relationship with Christ, no one else. I have this feeling God has destined me for great and wonderful things and while I still hold out that hope that these great and wonderful things happen with him in my life and as my "partner in crime", I find hope and trust in the fact that if our futures do not cross, there is something better for me. Better than I have known and imagined, and while now that seems impossible in my mind, I've learned God is not one of limits. He wants my life, and I've given it before to him and I grew so drastically, I need to give it again, and stick with it. It's hard to do, and it's going to take me a while to change.
Words of Wisdom: As a follower of Christ, nothing should be put before Christ, nothing, because the only way He'll get you to put your focus back on Him, is by doing something drastic in your life....over and over till you get it.
We are stupid lambs...sadly...thankfully we have a shepherd who loves us without condition and will lead us home when we go astray.
I've been going through a lot lately...and while that is all water under the bridge now and all taken care of and I'm no longer bitter or angry or resentful, it has been tough and it's still not something I want to go through. I still hope, still, that things can work out in the future and still see in so many ways how he is so good for me. Right now though, we're just not...we're not in the right places in life, our relationship needs to be repaired or maybe even just restarted all together, but maybe just maybe there is a future for us somewhere. We'll see.
But what would've made this a lot less painful and a lot less....drawn out, is if I had my focus in the right place. I was so fixated on him, on being with him, on planning our future together, on his life, that I lost sight of me...and most importantly my faith. I was also too prideful to admit that was what I was doing, even when I knew I was. So, while I still hope that he is my future, I'm not going to be consumed by that...something has changed, and something has finally just clicked in my brain and I am going to focus on me, and my life, and my relationship with Christ, no one else. I have this feeling God has destined me for great and wonderful things and while I still hold out that hope that these great and wonderful things happen with him in my life and as my "partner in crime", I find hope and trust in the fact that if our futures do not cross, there is something better for me. Better than I have known and imagined, and while now that seems impossible in my mind, I've learned God is not one of limits. He wants my life, and I've given it before to him and I grew so drastically, I need to give it again, and stick with it. It's hard to do, and it's going to take me a while to change.
Words of Wisdom: As a follower of Christ, nothing should be put before Christ, nothing, because the only way He'll get you to put your focus back on Him, is by doing something drastic in your life....over and over till you get it.
We are stupid lambs...sadly...thankfully we have a shepherd who loves us without condition and will lead us home when we go astray.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
A 260 mile drive
So, today was move up night. So, being the wonderful youth coach I am....I drove from Gilbert to Flagstaff and back for filming. So I grabbed as many of my old barbies as I could (part of the video, I'm not a creeper) and flew off to Flagstaff in my little red rocket.
This is my red rocket
Anyway, being that it is about 5 hours round trip, I had a lot of time to think on my own today. I realized I'm very angry still. Very angry and very bitter. It's not good. In fact its bad, and it makes me wonder if maybe I should stay this mad. I think I should actually, but is it Godly?
People hold on to so many things, anger, jealousy, sadness, love and it's hard to let go, especially when we become comfortable with these emotions. I realized however, that I am not comfortable with hating and being so angry with someone that I loved for so long and still care about very deeply. I just don't want him to know that. I'm afraid if he knows how much I do care, it will end up hurting me.
How sad it is. Really, it is. So I have yet to come to the conclusion on whether or not I should reach out to him at all.
The one thing I do know for sure is that it is not healthy for a person to hold on to anger and yes I still am doing it, even though I know it is not healthy. But I was hurt badly, and yes in some way I desire him to feel my pain...revenge I guess..I'm sick, I know.
Can I also just say that A Fine Frenzy is amazing...I also listened to her the whole 5 hours and she's amazing. Her voice has so much emotion...I sang along and it was like therapy. Perfect for driving at night and you just want to cry, good girl music.
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I think I shall hit the sack now, it's time for bed. I had a long long night.
Words of Wisdom:
Don't hold on to grudges for too long....just long enough for you to not be so angry and bite their head off when speaking.
This is my red rocket
Anyway, being that it is about 5 hours round trip, I had a lot of time to think on my own today. I realized I'm very angry still. Very angry and very bitter. It's not good. In fact its bad, and it makes me wonder if maybe I should stay this mad. I think I should actually, but is it Godly?
People hold on to so many things, anger, jealousy, sadness, love and it's hard to let go, especially when we become comfortable with these emotions. I realized however, that I am not comfortable with hating and being so angry with someone that I loved for so long and still care about very deeply. I just don't want him to know that. I'm afraid if he knows how much I do care, it will end up hurting me.
How sad it is. Really, it is. So I have yet to come to the conclusion on whether or not I should reach out to him at all.
The one thing I do know for sure is that it is not healthy for a person to hold on to anger and yes I still am doing it, even though I know it is not healthy. But I was hurt badly, and yes in some way I desire him to feel my pain...revenge I guess..I'm sick, I know.
Can I also just say that A Fine Frenzy is amazing...I also listened to her the whole 5 hours and she's amazing. Her voice has so much emotion...I sang along and it was like therapy. Perfect for driving at night and you just want to cry, good girl music.
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I think I shall hit the sack now, it's time for bed. I had a long long night.
Words of Wisdom:
Don't hold on to grudges for too long....just long enough for you to not be so angry and bite their head off when speaking.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Some may say I'm a dreamer
Well now, since this is my first blog, y'all should get to know me. First off, I will write y'all sometimes, get over it. Second of all, and this a new realization, I am a dreamer. I have hopes and dreams, and when they get crushed, it's heartbreaking and when they come true, I am on air. Recently my heart was broken and it prompted me to write this blog. I want to give advice to other dreamers, not to stop dreaming, but to be careful with reality and these dreams.
Women, we dream. We plan..regardless of who we are, we dream and plan. Me, I have dreamed about being a wife and mother since I was a little girl. Yes, I want the career and I want my independence, but first and foremost I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. I have been dreaming about my wedding day since I was 3. And I had been dreaming it would be with a certain person since I was very young....I thought it would work out...thus far, it has crumbled in my hands when I was only a few short years (in my mind) to attaining that dream of a white wedding.
This was my wake up call.
I have been planning and dreaming so much for something that was not a reality yet, that I missed out on so much. I'm working on putting my life back together and back in perspective, it's a painful process, but I hope and trust that it will end up for my greater good.
So with that here are my words of wisdom:
Girls, do not plan based on dreams, but based on reality...when you plan based on your hopes and uncertainties, it sets you up for heartache.
Guys, do not make promises dealing with these dreams...especially when you know them, if you cannot follow through. You will end up hated, I can promise you this.
With that, I am out!
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