The State of.....Me

Tonight was the State of the Union speech, delivered by our President. While I do not necessarily agree with what the President saw as solutions to our country's problems, it did give me a thought to ponder. What is my state? I'm 21, I had plans for where I would be in my life, and much like our nation had plans in the beginning, I find I have not reached the goals I wanted at this point in my life. And I wonder am I happy? Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

The past couple months or so I have been drifting between contentment and discontent. This has to do with the fact that I have so much to be thankful for, yet at the same time, I have been yearning for other things.
I guess I realized recently, I was basing my contentment on the wrong things. Which I do realize, happens often.

This past Sunday, something just clicked, it was literally like a switch was flipped and I was filled with a desire for the Lord that I have never experienced before. At least not to this...maturity, or for as pure of motivations I guess?
I purely and completely just want to know Him better, for the sake that I REALIZED, He is JEALOUS for me. (Thanks David Crowder Band) He wants me and loves me as I am and he makes the time for me and anxiously awaits my call and I have been denying him a lot of love without realizing it. With the experiences I have been having with being single and my discontent ( at times) with that, I can conceptualize the fact that I have been causing the same kind of pain for my Heavenly Father that I have been experiencing. Rejection.
Sometimes I wonder if God ever can feel not worthy or good enough. I mean, there is no way He ever could be, He is God, I am the unworthy one, but does He feel that way, like I do sometimes?

I'm rambling. That's not the point.

The point is, I feel genuinely content right now. I have shifted my focus. My focus is on loving genuinely and completely. My focus is to give my love freely to my Lord and not hold back or deny Him my love. I have been praying for my relationship to deepen with Him and I know this is my opportunity.
I am so thankful.

Now, on a less serious note. My life as a teacher is full of daily frustrations, but today was a good day with the kids, and one that gave me much to laugh about or at. One example being a random comment a student said to me today during math. It went like this:

" Miss Nick, did you know that when I was little I ate quarters?"
"Really now.....that's interesting."
"Yeah, and once I tried to eat a dollar."

Trust me.......this explains a lot.
I love my job.

Back to School Blues

Back to school blues, are what I am feeling right now. At least that is what I am calling it, and I think that is the reason I feel the way I do. School is back in session and I am thankful to be back at school with my students. However, I am sad right now. I feel lonely. I think it is because I am back in school and I am not hanging out with either my family or my friends 24/7 like I was over break. At least I think that is part of the reason. The other part is that I just feel plain rejected by people in general lately. I don't know if that is fair of me to feel, but I do. Lately, I feel like I am in a Dane Cook joke. I'm the friend that nobody likes and maybe that sounds extreme, but its just how I FEEL right now, just today really. I hope I get over it soon. Maybe I will after this week and I get back into my routine. On a plus note, I did go out with an old friend tonight and felt all cool at a jazz bistro in Gilbert called Warren's and it had amazing mushroom risotto and great music.
I am so cultured.

How Richly Blessed I am.

This is going to possibly be a very short post, as I just got back from Winter Retreat and am DEAD tired with the lack of sleep I have received this weekend. By the way, Happy New Year, it is officially 2010! How cool! Anyway, Winter Retreat in Flag was this weekend and let me tell you...my eyes were opened, my mind received understanding and my heart is now full. I am so greatly and richly blessed by the Lord with a great group of believers like myself and with leaders who really convict me and love me at the same time. Amazing, simply amazing.
I went with Mission Hope (college and career group at Celebration Christian Church) up to Flagstaff this weekend for a retreat. While we had a blast playing in the snow and being with one another, we also were taught the "7 Principles of Faith" (I believe that was the title, it's late give me a break). My eyes were just opened to things that deep down I already knew, but did not fully understand and also, I realized some things I was doing wrong in my day to day walk. It helped me realize that I need to declare things to the Lord, that I am thankful for my health, my Godly family, the husband God has planned for me that will be a strong leader, my children that will love the Lord and serve him, my career...all that, even though I do not have all those things now. I need to OBEY even when things don't make sense, realizing that out of REALLY crappy situations or even things that really just don't make sense, God creates a path for me and in the long run, there is a reason, I just do not see it yet. God is preparing me for something great, even when I don't see how He is doing that necessarily, it will all come in place eventually.

This retreat was just a huge blessing and I am SO thankful that I found CCC and Mission Hope and that I toughed it out in the beginning because frankly in the beginning, it was HARD for me to get over my shyness. However, NOW I have a great group of friends that I would never trade in the world and these friends encourage me in Christ and NOW they can't get me to shut up...I am sure some days they miss the shy girl they knew in August. Every day, I thank God for these people and this church and for the growth I have experienced because of them. It is an awesome thing.