Today was a better day.
I think it's because I just kind of chilled, and I got to see my Wowanwee.
wowanwee
Anyway, today was a good day...and there have been realizations that have occured that I've been unable to write about because of courtney's death. I realized...I'm ok with being single. Like truly. And its weird. I realized how attached I was to this one person and how unhealthy it is. The only one I should rely on is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He has me, and I should let Him have me. And I've been doing a lot better at it. Yes, I still stumble, but really...I'm a lot better and I feel such a peace now as well. My insecurities have less of a hold on me, which in turn makes me a better, more controlled, less emotional person in many aspects.
I'm happy, yes, HAPPY single right now. I am learning who I am and who God is and how to be me, and just me. I realized that maybe I am so confused about all the mixed signals I feel like I am getting from god, is because the timing isn't right. I really feel in my heart, it's timing. And if I am wrong about that....if its not just that timing and he and I really aren't supposed to be together, then that is ok. I know that regardless, God is control. If its the wrong time, then when the time comes, God will make it happen. If its the wrong person, God will bring the right person. If it's both, then God will bring the right person at the right time, and make it happen. I do NOT need to be married now or any time soon, despite the fact my mom wants me to go to Moody Bible Institute or Southwestern Bible College so I can get my MRS degree. ( She said this to me this afternoon.)
I'm content with waiting and seeing what God has planned for us or for just me, or for me and someone completely different.
Yes, I still hope for us and yes, I still see a future with him, but if I am wrong, that is ok too, God is in control. And I am FINALLY really, truly at peace and happy about that!
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