I'm definitely recovering

I was dealt quite the blow a month and a week ago, not gonna lie. I've had an extremely tough year. I'm finally recovering. I don't know what exactly went wrong...if we got too close, if I expected too much, if he didn't give enough or if we were just completely wrong for each other (I still want to doubt that), but something went terribly wrong. I wonder sometimes how worse off I'd be now, if I hadn't said we needed to break up almost a year ago. And now....just now, I'm actually feeling ok. It's weird...

Everything is so completely different from how it used to be. It's a good thing I suppose. It's all really in God's hands....things turned out sooooo completely different from how I thought they would. I'm seeing the goodness in this really crappy experience. Maybe we're just not right for each other...he will find someone wonderful for him, and I hold on to the hope that God will bring the right person to me....and will probably do it when I least expect it. I have to realize I am worth it and I am good enough...because I find so many reasons why I am not.

I always have that problem...of thinking I am not good enough....not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not good enough, not a strong enough christian, not perfect enough....it has led me to some really dark places in my life. From pushing away my closest friends to succumbing to an awful disease...bulimia.
Satan knows where to bring the strong down...because 5 years ago, I was the girl who was soooo strong in Christ and on fire and knew her purpose was to serve Him. I'm working on finding an older wiser version of her now. I know now where the degeneration of that 15 year old girl was my grandfather's death right before my 16th birthday. It hit me hard...and I still have a lot of demons with that...and I'm not exactly sure why, I suppose part of it is because we were close and he set the spiritual foundation for our family.
It shook my foundation.
Anyway, I'm working my way back. I really am, and I am glad of it. I am back in focus and seeing that God has his plans and I just need to listen.

UPDATE: Another reason I can tell I'm like better now...I cleaned my room finally. I think a person's room, especially mine...reflects how they are feeling. My room has been in a constant state of disarray and I finally had the initiative and felt like I could actually pick up the pieces of my room. I feel so much better after cleaning my room.

Words of Wisdom: Be still and listen. That's it.