Feeling good. Or at least better

Today is a good day. Every day is different, some days are bad, some are good, some are just eh...
Today was a better day.
I think it's because I just kind of chilled, and I got to see my Wowanwee.

wowanwee

Anyway, today was a good day...and there have been realizations that have occured that I've been unable to write about because of courtney's death. I realized...I'm ok with being single. Like truly. And its weird. I realized how attached I was to this one person and how unhealthy it is. The only one I should rely on is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He has me, and I should let Him have me. And I've been doing a lot better at it. Yes, I still stumble, but really...I'm a lot better and I feel such a peace now as well. My insecurities have less of a hold on me, which in turn makes me a better, more controlled, less emotional person in many aspects.
I'm happy, yes, HAPPY single right now. I am learning who I am and who God is and how to be me, and just me. I realized that maybe I am so confused about all the mixed signals I feel like I am getting from god, is because the timing isn't right. I really feel in my heart, it's timing. And if I am wrong about that....if its not just that timing and he and I really aren't supposed to be together, then that is ok. I know that regardless, God is control. If its the wrong time, then when the time comes, God will make it happen. If its the wrong person, God will bring the right person. If it's both, then God will bring the right person at the right time, and make it happen. I do NOT need to be married now or any time soon, despite the fact my mom wants me to go to Moody Bible Institute or Southwestern Bible College so I can get my MRS degree. ( She said this to me this afternoon.)
I'm content with waiting and seeing what God has planned for us or for just me, or for me and someone completely different.
Yes, I still hope for us and yes, I still see a future with him, but if I am wrong, that is ok too, God is in control. And I am FINALLY really, truly at peace and happy about that!

I don't like when I can't sleep

Last time I couldn't sleep like this, was the night my cousin died. I miss her so much. I missed her while she was alive and I miss her even more that she is gone. I feel like I am not handling this well, yet I don't know how to handle it better. I miss her and I still can't believe she is gone and am angry on what we missed out on. However, I'm thankful for the memories I do have of her. Courtney Macheile I love you!



our little ball of fire!



matching asian eyes...we've always resembled each other, she called me little sister
and I looked up to her like one.




I'm going to miss our sleepovers! haha!



being goofy!



I wish we had more time together, or at least this summer together. I'm sad we didn't at least get this summer....

Don't waste time. People can be here one second and gone the next. Love like there will be no tomorrow and live like you were dying.

There are a lot of things I don't understand

There are a lot of things I just do not understand in life. I do not understand why certain things happen or why things go the way they do. Like why did God have to take my 25 year old cousin so suddenly? Why when I finally get to a good spot in my life do things go awry so much? Why does this one person who seems to fit in so many ways and he has all the qualities I want in a husband, but things never seem to work out the way that they need to in order for him to be my husband. I don't understand it. And because I don't understand these things I feel the need to protect myself from them. So I say things and close myself off.
What I do know, is that right now, this is the position I'm supposed to be in. I'm supposed to be single and figuring myself out and I'm ok with that.I still hope that eventually we will be together again, but at the same time I know very well, that there are probably reasons we're not together now and maybe we're just not right each other. I feel in so many ways that we are right for each other, but listening to my heart has hurt me so often before that I don't want to continue to listen to it, because if it was right, wouldn't it have worked out before? Anyway, I don't really have words of wisdom right now because I don't understand a lot of these things.

I thought it would get better

I thought things would somehow get better or easier upon returning home and being able to say goodbye. They haven't. While I did get the closure I needed, I still wanted more time with her while she was alive. Why couldn't God have waited until after we got to spend time together this summer, why did God have to take her at all? I do not understand. I'm so low right now. Depressed beyond circumstance. I feel like I sound like an unbeliever, like I have no hope in jesus. I do though. I know once again we will see each other in heaven in His glory. That doesn't mean I miss her any less or understand why she needed to be taken at 25, when she is young and beautiful and so full of life and potential. Why she had to be taken when we were becoming so close.
I'm also floundering because I feel so alone now in my pain. At least when we were in kentucky everyone was sad for the same reasons I was and felt and understood my pain and I could talk to them about it without fear of bothering them. Now I am home and my mom is burying her pain by having her friend barb over and wearing a smile and I feel like she's butting in too soon right now. I feel like I am bugging the people who I am supposed to be the closest too if I try to vent my sadness to them. I feel selfish that I need them yet at the same time I feel hurt because they don't actively seek to help me. Surprisingly, one person, who I just met in March, is the only one who has been consistently checking up on me. It's remarkable how that works out, and I am extremely grateful for him.
At the same time there are people who have gone through the same type of thing as me, but I dont want to talk to them, because I don't know them and also when something bad happens like this, there are only a few people I want to talk to or want to be around at first.
I would just like the people who I need to be there for me. Thats what Id like.
I would and have been there for them in their time of need, WITHOUT THEM ASKING.
I'm just there.

I'm angry and sad and tormented right now. I am looking to Christ to give me peace and I pray it is coming. I feel so abandoned right now, but I also know He is here. I just hope my aunt and uncle and cousin michael do not have the same feelings of abandonment as me because that would be plain awful.

My words of wisdom: Don't expect the pain to just go away whether or not it is you or a friend in pain. If you say you're there for someone during a difficult time, especially the hardest time theyve ever experienced, really BE THERE for them.

Never take a moment for granted

This week has been one of the hardest weeks ever. Last week was the best week I have had in a while, I finally was in a good place. Then Sunday morning happened. Sunday morning at 3 am Eastern Time, my cousin Courtney, who was like a big sister to me was killed in a car accident. She was only 25, yes another 20 something girl. The tragedy and pain of her loss is extremely hard on our family. We didn't expect this and weren't ready for it. She and I had gotten close in the past year or so and I was sooo looking forward to seeing her in July at our family reunion. I actually hadn't talked to her in a few weeks because I had just been so busy. I even thought of texting her the night before she died, and I didn't because I didn't want to bother her. I wish I had now. I wish I had told her I loved her and that she should wear her seatbelt and to not let her boyfriend speed. I wish I had reminisced that night about her making me eat a spider and when we went on the Zipper ride together in Fountain Hills and I knew I wasn't supposed to, but it turned out to be so much fun. I wish I had laughed at how ridiculous our grandparents can be, one more time, reminisced about how lame, yet how fun Michigan's Adventure is and all the fun we had screaming on tubes behind Uncle Steve's boat in Saranac and the river. However, I am glad to know, she is with Jesus now. She didn't suffer and isn't in pain and is now rejoicing and praising God with the angels. But how we will miss her here until she comes home.
I'm writing this, in part to vent..to let part of my emotions out, and I have many different ones, but I am also writing this to remind you not to take what you have for granted.
Don't take for granted the moments you have. If you love someone tell them, don't let it go unsaid, because you don't know if you'll be able to say it again. Live life to its fullest and embrace each day as the gift that it is from God. Don't wait around to do something or for someone, who knows how much longer you have.
Also, for goodness sake, WEAR YOUR SEATBELT! I don't care how far you are going, where you are, WEAR YOUR SEATBELT! If she had just worn her seatbelt she probably would still be here with us, they may seem like an inconvienence at times, but THEY SAVE LIVES!
Those are my words of wisdom for now. Maybe I'll have more when I come back from Kentucky. Tomorrow is going to be a HARD day.

I'm definitely recovering

I was dealt quite the blow a month and a week ago, not gonna lie. I've had an extremely tough year. I'm finally recovering. I don't know what exactly went wrong...if we got too close, if I expected too much, if he didn't give enough or if we were just completely wrong for each other (I still want to doubt that), but something went terribly wrong. I wonder sometimes how worse off I'd be now, if I hadn't said we needed to break up almost a year ago. And now....just now, I'm actually feeling ok. It's weird...

Everything is so completely different from how it used to be. It's a good thing I suppose. It's all really in God's hands....things turned out sooooo completely different from how I thought they would. I'm seeing the goodness in this really crappy experience. Maybe we're just not right for each other...he will find someone wonderful for him, and I hold on to the hope that God will bring the right person to me....and will probably do it when I least expect it. I have to realize I am worth it and I am good enough...because I find so many reasons why I am not.

I always have that problem...of thinking I am not good enough....not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not good enough, not a strong enough christian, not perfect enough....it has led me to some really dark places in my life. From pushing away my closest friends to succumbing to an awful disease...bulimia.
Satan knows where to bring the strong down...because 5 years ago, I was the girl who was soooo strong in Christ and on fire and knew her purpose was to serve Him. I'm working on finding an older wiser version of her now. I know now where the degeneration of that 15 year old girl was my grandfather's death right before my 16th birthday. It hit me hard...and I still have a lot of demons with that...and I'm not exactly sure why, I suppose part of it is because we were close and he set the spiritual foundation for our family.
It shook my foundation.
Anyway, I'm working my way back. I really am, and I am glad of it. I am back in focus and seeing that God has his plans and I just need to listen.

UPDATE: Another reason I can tell I'm like better now...I cleaned my room finally. I think a person's room, especially mine...reflects how they are feeling. My room has been in a constant state of disarray and I finally had the initiative and felt like I could actually pick up the pieces of my room. I feel so much better after cleaning my room.

Words of Wisdom: Be still and listen. That's it.

Mawaige is what bwings us togewver today

I recently watched The Princess Bride can you tell?

I freakin love that movie....anyway, there is a point to this blog. Today or should I say yesterday....my good friend Ashleigh got married today. I'm so happy for her, she seems to found a perfect match for her and I am so thrilled.
I'm not going to lie though, I am also quite envious. This isn't the first time I have been envious of her, she also had boyfriends before I did and had her first kiss before I did...this was back in like jr high/early high school, but still. And I don't like being envious and I am TRULY happy and excited for her.
I guess the thing is, I really do want to be married, well at least engaged....heck I'd be happy with a relationship in general. I don't want it with just anyone though. Everyone seems to have this idea that I am going to run off and get married to the first guy that asks me, um soooo not the case, as much as I love the song Last Name by Carrie Underwood, and I have professed I secretly in a way want to live out that song....I really don't. I guess because people see me wanting to be married to one person...or have seen me wanting to be married to this one person, for so long that they believe I'll run off a marry some shmoe. no...no..no. I thought he was the one..completely different situation.
However, I do still want to be married and do feel frustrated that I am single in my 20s. Yes I know...I'm too young to be married, I will change so much, I am not ready....
I'm not ready? Really? You are the judge of my readiness why? HOw come other people my age and younger are able to get married? Why is it ok for them? I'm a pretty mature person for my age...yes I still have many things to experience, but still...I mean even academically I am ahead for my age. I've always been ahead.
I realize my dream of becoming a wife and mother (yes, my dream, because really all I've ever wanted to be is a wife and mother, my whole life, I knew that is who I wanted to be.) will happen in God's timing. I realize that. I don't like God's timing so far, but what can I do?
I would like people to stop telling me that I am too young. I'm not too young, I'm not, if I were too young, other people my age would not be getting married at the rate they are.
Anyway, I'm frustrated and tired...btw...if you ever think it's a good idea to take a philosophy class...it's not, trust me.

Words of Wisdom:
Don't listen to other people's input on your life choices that are based upon your age...it's just frustrating. And remember 1 Timothy 4:12