I thought it would get better

I thought things would somehow get better or easier upon returning home and being able to say goodbye. They haven't. While I did get the closure I needed, I still wanted more time with her while she was alive. Why couldn't God have waited until after we got to spend time together this summer, why did God have to take her at all? I do not understand. I'm so low right now. Depressed beyond circumstance. I feel like I sound like an unbeliever, like I have no hope in jesus. I do though. I know once again we will see each other in heaven in His glory. That doesn't mean I miss her any less or understand why she needed to be taken at 25, when she is young and beautiful and so full of life and potential. Why she had to be taken when we were becoming so close.
I'm also floundering because I feel so alone now in my pain. At least when we were in kentucky everyone was sad for the same reasons I was and felt and understood my pain and I could talk to them about it without fear of bothering them. Now I am home and my mom is burying her pain by having her friend barb over and wearing a smile and I feel like she's butting in too soon right now. I feel like I am bugging the people who I am supposed to be the closest too if I try to vent my sadness to them. I feel selfish that I need them yet at the same time I feel hurt because they don't actively seek to help me. Surprisingly, one person, who I just met in March, is the only one who has been consistently checking up on me. It's remarkable how that works out, and I am extremely grateful for him.
At the same time there are people who have gone through the same type of thing as me, but I dont want to talk to them, because I don't know them and also when something bad happens like this, there are only a few people I want to talk to or want to be around at first.
I would just like the people who I need to be there for me. Thats what Id like.
I would and have been there for them in their time of need, WITHOUT THEM ASKING.
I'm just there.

I'm angry and sad and tormented right now. I am looking to Christ to give me peace and I pray it is coming. I feel so abandoned right now, but I also know He is here. I just hope my aunt and uncle and cousin michael do not have the same feelings of abandonment as me because that would be plain awful.

My words of wisdom: Don't expect the pain to just go away whether or not it is you or a friend in pain. If you say you're there for someone during a difficult time, especially the hardest time theyve ever experienced, really BE THERE for them.