I hate

when I can't sleep....

Especially when the reason is because I have too many things on my mind and on my heart. And I can't get the off of my mind and especially not off my heart.

To do that would be suicide. (figuratively speaking)

I wish I had someone, like physically here, that I could just confess all my feelings and thoughts to and they would just sit and listen and not judge me and just offer real feedback.
And I wouldn't have to fear of embarrassment.
or judgement. or be told I am wrong in every sort of way possible. or told that I am crazy.

I really feel annoying sometimes, or that something is inherently wrong with me that people just don't like about me and I am not sure what it is.
Maybe I am just paranoid.
But lately I do feel like I am invisible
and I just want to be noticed. Like REALLY noticed.
Why can't I be the girl that stands out? What do I do or say or look like that makes me so invisible or whatever....I don't know if you could call it invisiblity.

These were all just random thoughts firing in my head...hopefully now I can sleep.
I sure hope so. My brain needs to shut down for a while. I overthink.

Way too often.

Little Boys....grow up

A constant frustration I have, and many other girls my age have lately is with "boys" and dating. Where are the men? It seems the prevailing issue I am seeing is that all that seems to be available to single, christ-following women are little boys, who want to stay little boys. Where are the strong men of Christ? The hardest part is thinking that you've found a MAN, but really all you've found is a boy playing in his daddy's clothing. I am frustrated by the fact that a lot of guys, I've noticed (and it's not all of them by any means, just the ones I like apparently) just want to play games with women and not take the initiative on anything, nor do they want to take ownership of their faith and follow Christ fully and completely. THat is such a necessity for me. I need a man who is a spiritual leader, not someone who will bring me down.

I've found that more and more, I am beginning to compare guys to my dad and see how they measure up to him. A lot of them pale in comparison to the type of man my father is. He is truly awesome. My daddy is such a great man of God and truly the spiritual head of our family. I always thought it was normal for families to pray all together before going to bed, or for the father to pray with his wife and children before going to school or work, or to have family devotions at the dinner table. It wasnt until I was in high school that I realized that it is not typical for even a lot of "Christian" families to do this. However, I know that without the things that my father had our family do and that if my father had not made our faith in Jesus Christ so important, I would not be the person I am today and I wouldn't be involved in the church at this point probably. This is what I want for my children and for myself as a wife one day as well. I want a man who will pray with me, follow Christ before his own desires, a man who will read the word with me and participate in devotions with me and also feed himself spiritually as well. Iw ant a man who will encourage me to grow in my faith and will instill that importance in our children as well.
It's easy to think that I will never find this and that this is a dying breed, however I do know that with God all things are possible and there ARE men out there somewhere, I just need to stop looking so hard.

BIG day

Today is a big day. "Army boy" comes home after months and months of talking and never meeting. I am hoping I will be able to meet him tonight, we shall see. Regardless, I am excited he will be home in an hour and a half. :)