My so called summer 08...baybee!

Because that's what every one is calling it these days. And yes..I wrote BAYBEE....I thought it accentuated the obnoxiousness.
And I think I just made up a word.
Anyway, its been a while since I last blogged...mostly because I'm lazy and partly because nothing THAT exciting has happened. I did recently come back from Michigan, which was fun and good, but still painful. It was very apparent that we were missing one of our girls. I was also able to get a sense of closure because my Aunt let me read some of the things Courtney had written in her Bible, it gave me a peace to know where she was and also made me miss her all the more to see her beautiful handwriting...it was like she was still here.
It was a cool thing though, to see the rest of my family...some of whom I'd never met and others I hadn't seen since I was nine. Like my grandparent's siblings, especially my grandmother's craziest people you will ever meet. And I finally met the elusive Aunt Betty. She's like 80 going on a 102....she's like one of those women that you say "she's a tough old bird" and you mean it...
However, my favorite crazy relative would have to be this man:


Uncle Joey.
I'm not sure if he was ever in the navy, but he wears that hat everywhere he goes and has worn it ever since I can remember. Not only do I love him because of eccentricity but also because he really cares about his great nieces and nephews. It's cool.

In other news....I've decided that since I am in my twenties and I really haven't done anything THAT cool since I was like 17, I am now going to do something really cool. I'm going to train for a half marathon...the PF Chang's Rock N Roll Arizona half marathon to be exact.
For the record....I am NOT a runner. So doing this...is a huge challenge, but I really want to do it. I'm supposed to be in my prime right now and I am not going to miss out on that. Plus...I don't have kids yet and I might as well start running now, so that when I have kids they can see how cool their mom was before them.
Because I will be a cool mom.
And not like Regina George's mom was a cool mom.
Anyway, it was day two of training today...and it went well, definitely better than day one, but let me tell you...this was the WRONG week to start. Need I say more? No I don't.

Anyway, I need to get back to doing something else productive, like practicing for rehearsal tomorrow or dusting....

Advice for the day:
Take advantage of your best years, you're not going to get them back and you probably won't do it when you're old, or in the words of a wise woman I know "you definitely won't do it when you're old...you're too tired."

A letter to the man who captured my heart for 8 years

I've grown too attached again. I suppose it had to do with the fact that Courtney died and I needed the person to whom I have been the closest to help me through this time. But, I need to get back to the good spot I was before Courtney died. The spot where I wasn't upset by you or consumed by you. While I wasn't consumed by you these past few weeks, I was making my way back to being too attached. So, this is it. I dunno if we're just not good for each other, or if it is just timing and that someday at a better time, we'll be together, but for now, you want to date around and I need to be single. I will never understand this fully I don't think, but I do see what God is doing in my life. This is going to help me grow, and as a very dear friend of mine said "God wouldn't have you go through all this and have it be for nothing." I trust in that. It will all be better. I've got to say....that it doesn't look good for us. You want to date other people...obviously I am not giving you something you need....you say you don't want commitment, yet you'll date other women, in my mind that doesn't make sense. Its all fine though. Whatever God has planned is better. There are times that I want to know if His answer for us is a yes, but you have to wait or a no. But I think God doesn't want me worrying about it. So I won't. He has me and He has you, and I am so thankful for that. There is one last thing I must say, because I don't want you thinking for one day that I don't feel this way. I want to live without the what ifs, I wonders, and regrets if anything were to happen to either one of us.

I love you. And I always will, you were the first one to have my heart, and no matter what you will always have a part of it.

Feeling good. Or at least better

Today is a good day. Every day is different, some days are bad, some are good, some are just eh...
Today was a better day.
I think it's because I just kind of chilled, and I got to see my Wowanwee.

wowanwee

Anyway, today was a good day...and there have been realizations that have occured that I've been unable to write about because of courtney's death. I realized...I'm ok with being single. Like truly. And its weird. I realized how attached I was to this one person and how unhealthy it is. The only one I should rely on is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He has me, and I should let Him have me. And I've been doing a lot better at it. Yes, I still stumble, but really...I'm a lot better and I feel such a peace now as well. My insecurities have less of a hold on me, which in turn makes me a better, more controlled, less emotional person in many aspects.
I'm happy, yes, HAPPY single right now. I am learning who I am and who God is and how to be me, and just me. I realized that maybe I am so confused about all the mixed signals I feel like I am getting from god, is because the timing isn't right. I really feel in my heart, it's timing. And if I am wrong about that....if its not just that timing and he and I really aren't supposed to be together, then that is ok. I know that regardless, God is control. If its the wrong time, then when the time comes, God will make it happen. If its the wrong person, God will bring the right person. If it's both, then God will bring the right person at the right time, and make it happen. I do NOT need to be married now or any time soon, despite the fact my mom wants me to go to Moody Bible Institute or Southwestern Bible College so I can get my MRS degree. ( She said this to me this afternoon.)
I'm content with waiting and seeing what God has planned for us or for just me, or for me and someone completely different.
Yes, I still hope for us and yes, I still see a future with him, but if I am wrong, that is ok too, God is in control. And I am FINALLY really, truly at peace and happy about that!

I don't like when I can't sleep

Last time I couldn't sleep like this, was the night my cousin died. I miss her so much. I missed her while she was alive and I miss her even more that she is gone. I feel like I am not handling this well, yet I don't know how to handle it better. I miss her and I still can't believe she is gone and am angry on what we missed out on. However, I'm thankful for the memories I do have of her. Courtney Macheile I love you!



our little ball of fire!



matching asian eyes...we've always resembled each other, she called me little sister
and I looked up to her like one.




I'm going to miss our sleepovers! haha!



being goofy!



I wish we had more time together, or at least this summer together. I'm sad we didn't at least get this summer....

Don't waste time. People can be here one second and gone the next. Love like there will be no tomorrow and live like you were dying.

There are a lot of things I don't understand

There are a lot of things I just do not understand in life. I do not understand why certain things happen or why things go the way they do. Like why did God have to take my 25 year old cousin so suddenly? Why when I finally get to a good spot in my life do things go awry so much? Why does this one person who seems to fit in so many ways and he has all the qualities I want in a husband, but things never seem to work out the way that they need to in order for him to be my husband. I don't understand it. And because I don't understand these things I feel the need to protect myself from them. So I say things and close myself off.
What I do know, is that right now, this is the position I'm supposed to be in. I'm supposed to be single and figuring myself out and I'm ok with that.I still hope that eventually we will be together again, but at the same time I know very well, that there are probably reasons we're not together now and maybe we're just not right each other. I feel in so many ways that we are right for each other, but listening to my heart has hurt me so often before that I don't want to continue to listen to it, because if it was right, wouldn't it have worked out before? Anyway, I don't really have words of wisdom right now because I don't understand a lot of these things.

I thought it would get better

I thought things would somehow get better or easier upon returning home and being able to say goodbye. They haven't. While I did get the closure I needed, I still wanted more time with her while she was alive. Why couldn't God have waited until after we got to spend time together this summer, why did God have to take her at all? I do not understand. I'm so low right now. Depressed beyond circumstance. I feel like I sound like an unbeliever, like I have no hope in jesus. I do though. I know once again we will see each other in heaven in His glory. That doesn't mean I miss her any less or understand why she needed to be taken at 25, when she is young and beautiful and so full of life and potential. Why she had to be taken when we were becoming so close.
I'm also floundering because I feel so alone now in my pain. At least when we were in kentucky everyone was sad for the same reasons I was and felt and understood my pain and I could talk to them about it without fear of bothering them. Now I am home and my mom is burying her pain by having her friend barb over and wearing a smile and I feel like she's butting in too soon right now. I feel like I am bugging the people who I am supposed to be the closest too if I try to vent my sadness to them. I feel selfish that I need them yet at the same time I feel hurt because they don't actively seek to help me. Surprisingly, one person, who I just met in March, is the only one who has been consistently checking up on me. It's remarkable how that works out, and I am extremely grateful for him.
At the same time there are people who have gone through the same type of thing as me, but I dont want to talk to them, because I don't know them and also when something bad happens like this, there are only a few people I want to talk to or want to be around at first.
I would just like the people who I need to be there for me. Thats what Id like.
I would and have been there for them in their time of need, WITHOUT THEM ASKING.
I'm just there.

I'm angry and sad and tormented right now. I am looking to Christ to give me peace and I pray it is coming. I feel so abandoned right now, but I also know He is here. I just hope my aunt and uncle and cousin michael do not have the same feelings of abandonment as me because that would be plain awful.

My words of wisdom: Don't expect the pain to just go away whether or not it is you or a friend in pain. If you say you're there for someone during a difficult time, especially the hardest time theyve ever experienced, really BE THERE for them.

Never take a moment for granted

This week has been one of the hardest weeks ever. Last week was the best week I have had in a while, I finally was in a good place. Then Sunday morning happened. Sunday morning at 3 am Eastern Time, my cousin Courtney, who was like a big sister to me was killed in a car accident. She was only 25, yes another 20 something girl. The tragedy and pain of her loss is extremely hard on our family. We didn't expect this and weren't ready for it. She and I had gotten close in the past year or so and I was sooo looking forward to seeing her in July at our family reunion. I actually hadn't talked to her in a few weeks because I had just been so busy. I even thought of texting her the night before she died, and I didn't because I didn't want to bother her. I wish I had now. I wish I had told her I loved her and that she should wear her seatbelt and to not let her boyfriend speed. I wish I had reminisced that night about her making me eat a spider and when we went on the Zipper ride together in Fountain Hills and I knew I wasn't supposed to, but it turned out to be so much fun. I wish I had laughed at how ridiculous our grandparents can be, one more time, reminisced about how lame, yet how fun Michigan's Adventure is and all the fun we had screaming on tubes behind Uncle Steve's boat in Saranac and the river. However, I am glad to know, she is with Jesus now. She didn't suffer and isn't in pain and is now rejoicing and praising God with the angels. But how we will miss her here until she comes home.
I'm writing this, in part to vent..to let part of my emotions out, and I have many different ones, but I am also writing this to remind you not to take what you have for granted.
Don't take for granted the moments you have. If you love someone tell them, don't let it go unsaid, because you don't know if you'll be able to say it again. Live life to its fullest and embrace each day as the gift that it is from God. Don't wait around to do something or for someone, who knows how much longer you have.
Also, for goodness sake, WEAR YOUR SEATBELT! I don't care how far you are going, where you are, WEAR YOUR SEATBELT! If she had just worn her seatbelt she probably would still be here with us, they may seem like an inconvienence at times, but THEY SAVE LIVES!
Those are my words of wisdom for now. Maybe I'll have more when I come back from Kentucky. Tomorrow is going to be a HARD day.