Stuck in a rut

Ever have those weeks where you just feel stuck in a rut? You're in a gloomy mood and it just won't go away? I've been stuck in one of those for a while. I have a lot of insecurities bubbling up, and it's frustrating. I need to find a way to remedy it. I had my first formal evaluation yesterday as a real teacher two weeks ago and had my post-observation conference last week. I was so incredibly nervous and totally doubted my abilities as a teacher. I got a pretty positive review back though. It's funny how untrusting of ourselves and of God we really can be, I was worried over nothing. I had images of being fired and having to go look for a job out of the teaching field forever because no one wants to hire a fired teacher. haha! Totally unnecessary. While I still very often doubt my abilities as a teacher, especially today, I still can rest in the face that there is a reason I am there because God put me there. That is comforting.

Last weekend I went to the Switchfoot concert with my family at Martini Ranch. It was AMAZING! I am so dead serious. One of the best live shows ever and I am officially in love with Martini Ranch as a concert venue, very intimate and just awesome, not to mention Switchfoot is amazing live. They played mostly their new cd and I hadn't heard it yet, I bought it and I am now obsessed. The lyrics are just so powerful, especially in the song " Your Love is a Song"....check it out if you can.

Been talking to a boy for the past 8 months, he comes home in about three weeks. very nervous, and excited, annoyed a little right now, but still excited.

Hopefully I can keep myself sane for the time being.

I went to Dallas back in October for Fall Break, I <3 Texas.

Sex and Chocolate

So, today my mind was having fantastical thoughts....as usual. And I began thinking about how lately I have been craving nothing but chocolate or something sweet and how it is almost impossible for me to not give into that temptation of finding something gooey, chocolately and amazing to stuff in my face. However, I know that if or more accurately, when I do actually eat that amazing, gooey, chocolately piece of heaven, I am going to immediately realize and regret it. Why? Because I know it is not good for me, and I know that it is going to just go straight to my hips. (Yay me!) So why do I continue to do it? Because at the time I think that if I don't give in, my craving is just going to stay with me and never ever ever ever leave until I give in. However, this is not true in reality.

I realized today, that this must be what men feel like in regards to sex. I think it is hard for women to understand what a power sex has over men, married and unmarried. So I guess the best way to understand it, is to put it in the context of our own cravings. IE:
chocolate is to girls as sex is to boys

like my analogy?
Anyway, as a single, christian woman, dating single, christian men, it is important for me to remember this, and have that affect how I dress and act. Because how I look or act can be like that piece of chocolate on the counter, tempting me to just take a little bite.....soon that little bite becomes the whole container of ice cream gone and the chocolate syrup bottle is half empty.
I dunno, maybe I am off and please feel free to correct me. These are just random thoughts that run through my mind.

The REAL me...

I feel that lately people have been either perceiving me incorrectly or don't completely understand me, or maybe I am just misrepresenting myself. So, to make it a little easier, I am compiling it into list format:

I am:

- A follower of Jesus Christ

-A woman

-A daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, cousin, best friend

-I'm the most loyal friend you'll ever have, whether you want me or not usually.

- I can be hypocrite, without even realizing it. Sorry

- I am not perfect, as much as I try

-I struggle with my self image

-I have a lot of love to give, I just need the chance

-I could be more loving at the same time

- I am emotional, however I DO NOT cause nor do I want drama

- I feel so old and young at the same time

- I am angry/happy/scared when I drive

- I am still afraid of driving, and I no longer completely trust ANYONE who drives me around

- I'm addicted to texting, if it's not your form of communication just let me know

- It drives me INSANE when people are rude to me because they are annoyed, just let me know before it makes you upset enough to treat me wrongly, I will adjust my actions beforehand.

- I love my job, yet it is sooo incredibly hard at times, I wonder if God knew what he was doing, putting me in teaching.

- Be completely honest with me, I will be with you

- I hope to one day live in Colorado

- Don't call me judgmental, just because I don't support Gay marriage, Obama, Socialized health care, liberals, abortion, etc. I'm entitled to my beliefs too and it is possible for me to disagree with something and still love the people too.

- I try my best to not be clingy, but I am sure I fail miserably at times

- Flowers are the way to my heart

- Even though I complain a lot about my students, and they DO drive me nuts, I love them to death, and I know deep down, a lot of their problems are a result of neglect by their parents.

- I feel like I failed in someway because I am not a missionary, and I grew up believing I would be

- My true dream is to be a wife and mother

- If I feel our friendship/relationship is one sided, I will just leave you alone eventually, I don't have the energy for those relationships anymore

- I regret my whole freshman year of college, even though I grew the most from it

- I get jealous of pretty girls

- I feel my one truly beautiful feature about myself, is my hair and even that isn't always perfect

- I think I have a compassionate heart, and a kind heart, but the older I get the harder it is for me to constantly show it

- I will always be a daddy's girl

- I am not perfect, nor do I think I am, but I know I sometimes judge people for the same things I am technically guilty of

-I usually love who I am

- I just want to be accepted and loved

-I'm a recovering people pleaser

-I go through different styles constantly

-Don't attempt to resolve a conflict with me over text message...at least if you're a guy. It doesn't work.

- I have a lot of feelings, and I will write about them, you DON'T have to read them.

It bothers me

It bothers me
a poem by Abby Nick

It bothers me that I am so tired
and I don't feel like writing anymore

It bothers me that she gave up on her lifelong commitment
and it somehow affects my relationships

It bothers me that you feel you can judge my relationship with Christ
and I didn't do anything wrong

It bothers me that I feel torn between two sides
and I can't help one without hurting the other

It bothers me that I am so patient
and yet others don't have to wait at all

It bothers me that you liked her picture
and hardly said anything to me at all

It bothers me that I have feelings for you despite our previously STRICTLY plutonic relationship
and I've been denying them all along

It bothers me that I will continue to deny
and you'll never feel them at all

It bothers me that it was THEIR disobedience
and someone constantly makes me feel like I am in the wrong

It bothers me that all these things bother me
and I'd rather just not care at all.

I just wrote this so that you'd notice.
YOU don't bother me at all.

Been a while

It's been a while since I last updated on my life as of late. To be perfectly honest, I don't have a ton of time to do so. "Why?" you may ask, well, I have now officially become an adult, or so called adult, I have started my long awaited career of being a teacher. It is still weird to say that. Yes, I am a teacher. I am called Miss Nick 75% of my day,I grade papers, I teach teach teach, assess assess assess and go to stupid trainings for my whole weekend now. While my career is very rewarding and I love each and every one of my kids, my job is hard. It's only the second week and I am realizing thoroughly that I quite possibly could be way in over my head. There is just a lot to do and it is seemingly never ending.
But....
before I get too negative.....I love teaching. I love my kids, and they are MY kids. I was heartbroken that yesterday one of my kids was possibly hurt yesterday in my classroom and it broke my heart when one of my students said he was deducting points from his day because he was born. I see how desperate some of them are for attention and love and I hope they feel that I love them, value you them and care for them, even when they drive me up the wall. And maybe they may not become geniuses in my class, but I hope they at least feel appreciated. I hope somehow I make a difference, if it is only in a small way.

Obviously, my life is only teaching right now. I am trying to maintain a social life, but it was weird for a while. I'm dealing with a lot of drama that really isn't mine lately. It's been taking a toll on me, but I would rather help support others right now. The problem is that I am trying to be on two sides at once, and it's not very successful. I wish I could separate myself from the situation, but I am not going to do that, because that would require me to separate myself completely from the people involved. And I love the people involved.
It's just a lot....and hopefully I won't destroy any chance of me having a good thing with a certain person because....I really would like the chance.

Long over due update

I recently got a complaint from a friend of mine that I haven't written in a while, so here I am writing. So to update on my life, I am now a certified teacher, have a job and recently signed my contract as a 5th grade teacher at Collier Elementary School in Tolleson/Avondale. I'm so very excited to start teaching and at the same time scared out of my mind. I just wonder if I am really truly ready. I probably could use a few more months before I will really FEEL ready, but I know regardless if I feel ready, or not, God will be with me every day that I am teaching. That is definitely comforting.

I recently went to Michigan to visit my mom's family and it was a blast! It's still hard to go back, because it does still remind me of Courtney, but over all it was a good time.










Ok, so I have this semi sick obsession with the show "Bridezillas" on WE. If you've never seen this show, it basically follows these women in the last few weeks of up to their wedding and the day of their wedding. However, these women, are the WORST bridezilla's I've ever seen. However, in all the shows I've seen it seems the bride is not just a bridezilla, she's just mean all the time, mean or spoiled or whatever. It is ridiculous! I saw one show where the bride SMASHED the wedding cake, in the bakery, the day before her wedding, because she said it wasn't done in accordance to her instructions (which, she admitted it was, she just wanted to show her authority....what?!) and stormed out of the store. She didn't look like she was showing her authority, it was more like she was acting like a spoiled four year old. It's when I watch this show, where I wonder, how am I single still? If these women, who probably somewhere have their redeeming qualities, are able to get married, why am I unable to find someone? It's one of the many questions I ask God.

On another note, I have been talking to a guy in Iraq for the past 3 months or so, and our conversation is kind of stalling a bit. Any ideas?

Discouraged

So lately, really as of today, I am feeling really discouraged. I feel so unhappy with my body right now, my love life is borderline non existant and I'm unemployed. And it's not for lack of trying on all of those things. I have been going to the gym at least 5 days a week and working out for 45 minutes to an hour and eating better. I don't even want to go into my lack of love life and the unemployed thing....I'm trying. I have been putting myself out there as much as I can. I think really whats getting to me is my self image. I felt like I had maybe lost some weight this past week until I put on a pair of pants, that is when I realized I may have actually gained weight. I'm so disappointed. I want to look good for my cousin's wedding in July and I feel like I'm not. Oh well. I am going to try to remain positive and just keep working for that goal and I know I have my heavenly Father to rely on as well. That is encouraging, because I know he won't let me fall to far, be alone, and he knows how truly beautiful I am. I need to be better at remembering that.