Cracking down!

So the past few weeks have been borderline unbearable at school. I think it has been a combination of lack of sleep, stress and my children being crazy. After crying on the way home from work two days in a row, I decided that I would spend yesterday just sleeping and recovering, so that I could have a new day today. And a new day was had.

I cracked down. They're still not getting it, but I am hoping that if I can stay consistent, they will be better about their behavior. I am tired of yelling and lecturing till I am blue in the face, so it is ending now. I had so many kids facing the wall it looked like I was trying to teach using a method where the students face away from the classroom. I think it may improve, but I know it will get worse before it gets better.

I hope that it gets better before my spring observation, which could be next week or in two weeks. Very nervous....though, not as nervous as before.

Otherwise, life is grand. I love my friends, I love going to the gym with Kirstyn and Alyssa now. I have like an LA fitness posse....poor Franco. I feel like I always with the people from mission hope, and I feel so blessed, my spiritual life has grown exponentially from the encouragement I have found in them. I hope it continues to grow.
So, spring break is coming up, and I am going back to being a blonde baby, this makes me think I need to figure out something fun and sunny for spring break...what should it be?

The State of.....Me

Tonight was the State of the Union speech, delivered by our President. While I do not necessarily agree with what the President saw as solutions to our country's problems, it did give me a thought to ponder. What is my state? I'm 21, I had plans for where I would be in my life, and much like our nation had plans in the beginning, I find I have not reached the goals I wanted at this point in my life. And I wonder am I happy? Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

The past couple months or so I have been drifting between contentment and discontent. This has to do with the fact that I have so much to be thankful for, yet at the same time, I have been yearning for other things.
I guess I realized recently, I was basing my contentment on the wrong things. Which I do realize, happens often.

This past Sunday, something just clicked, it was literally like a switch was flipped and I was filled with a desire for the Lord that I have never experienced before. At least not to this...maturity, or for as pure of motivations I guess?
I purely and completely just want to know Him better, for the sake that I REALIZED, He is JEALOUS for me. (Thanks David Crowder Band) He wants me and loves me as I am and he makes the time for me and anxiously awaits my call and I have been denying him a lot of love without realizing it. With the experiences I have been having with being single and my discontent ( at times) with that, I can conceptualize the fact that I have been causing the same kind of pain for my Heavenly Father that I have been experiencing. Rejection.
Sometimes I wonder if God ever can feel not worthy or good enough. I mean, there is no way He ever could be, He is God, I am the unworthy one, but does He feel that way, like I do sometimes?

I'm rambling. That's not the point.

The point is, I feel genuinely content right now. I have shifted my focus. My focus is on loving genuinely and completely. My focus is to give my love freely to my Lord and not hold back or deny Him my love. I have been praying for my relationship to deepen with Him and I know this is my opportunity.
I am so thankful.

Now, on a less serious note. My life as a teacher is full of daily frustrations, but today was a good day with the kids, and one that gave me much to laugh about or at. One example being a random comment a student said to me today during math. It went like this:

" Miss Nick, did you know that when I was little I ate quarters?"
"Really now.....that's interesting."
"Yeah, and once I tried to eat a dollar."

Trust me.......this explains a lot.
I love my job.

Back to School Blues

Back to school blues, are what I am feeling right now. At least that is what I am calling it, and I think that is the reason I feel the way I do. School is back in session and I am thankful to be back at school with my students. However, I am sad right now. I feel lonely. I think it is because I am back in school and I am not hanging out with either my family or my friends 24/7 like I was over break. At least I think that is part of the reason. The other part is that I just feel plain rejected by people in general lately. I don't know if that is fair of me to feel, but I do. Lately, I feel like I am in a Dane Cook joke. I'm the friend that nobody likes and maybe that sounds extreme, but its just how I FEEL right now, just today really. I hope I get over it soon. Maybe I will after this week and I get back into my routine. On a plus note, I did go out with an old friend tonight and felt all cool at a jazz bistro in Gilbert called Warren's and it had amazing mushroom risotto and great music.
I am so cultured.

How Richly Blessed I am.

This is going to possibly be a very short post, as I just got back from Winter Retreat and am DEAD tired with the lack of sleep I have received this weekend. By the way, Happy New Year, it is officially 2010! How cool! Anyway, Winter Retreat in Flag was this weekend and let me tell you...my eyes were opened, my mind received understanding and my heart is now full. I am so greatly and richly blessed by the Lord with a great group of believers like myself and with leaders who really convict me and love me at the same time. Amazing, simply amazing.
I went with Mission Hope (college and career group at Celebration Christian Church) up to Flagstaff this weekend for a retreat. While we had a blast playing in the snow and being with one another, we also were taught the "7 Principles of Faith" (I believe that was the title, it's late give me a break). My eyes were just opened to things that deep down I already knew, but did not fully understand and also, I realized some things I was doing wrong in my day to day walk. It helped me realize that I need to declare things to the Lord, that I am thankful for my health, my Godly family, the husband God has planned for me that will be a strong leader, my children that will love the Lord and serve him, my career...all that, even though I do not have all those things now. I need to OBEY even when things don't make sense, realizing that out of REALLY crappy situations or even things that really just don't make sense, God creates a path for me and in the long run, there is a reason, I just do not see it yet. God is preparing me for something great, even when I don't see how He is doing that necessarily, it will all come in place eventually.

This retreat was just a huge blessing and I am SO thankful that I found CCC and Mission Hope and that I toughed it out in the beginning because frankly in the beginning, it was HARD for me to get over my shyness. However, NOW I have a great group of friends that I would never trade in the world and these friends encourage me in Christ and NOW they can't get me to shut up...I am sure some days they miss the shy girl they knew in August. Every day, I thank God for these people and this church and for the growth I have experienced because of them. It is an awesome thing.

I hate

when I can't sleep....

Especially when the reason is because I have too many things on my mind and on my heart. And I can't get the off of my mind and especially not off my heart.

To do that would be suicide. (figuratively speaking)

I wish I had someone, like physically here, that I could just confess all my feelings and thoughts to and they would just sit and listen and not judge me and just offer real feedback.
And I wouldn't have to fear of embarrassment.
or judgement. or be told I am wrong in every sort of way possible. or told that I am crazy.

I really feel annoying sometimes, or that something is inherently wrong with me that people just don't like about me and I am not sure what it is.
Maybe I am just paranoid.
But lately I do feel like I am invisible
and I just want to be noticed. Like REALLY noticed.
Why can't I be the girl that stands out? What do I do or say or look like that makes me so invisible or whatever....I don't know if you could call it invisiblity.

These were all just random thoughts firing in my head...hopefully now I can sleep.
I sure hope so. My brain needs to shut down for a while. I overthink.

Way too often.

Little Boys....grow up

A constant frustration I have, and many other girls my age have lately is with "boys" and dating. Where are the men? It seems the prevailing issue I am seeing is that all that seems to be available to single, christ-following women are little boys, who want to stay little boys. Where are the strong men of Christ? The hardest part is thinking that you've found a MAN, but really all you've found is a boy playing in his daddy's clothing. I am frustrated by the fact that a lot of guys, I've noticed (and it's not all of them by any means, just the ones I like apparently) just want to play games with women and not take the initiative on anything, nor do they want to take ownership of their faith and follow Christ fully and completely. THat is such a necessity for me. I need a man who is a spiritual leader, not someone who will bring me down.

I've found that more and more, I am beginning to compare guys to my dad and see how they measure up to him. A lot of them pale in comparison to the type of man my father is. He is truly awesome. My daddy is such a great man of God and truly the spiritual head of our family. I always thought it was normal for families to pray all together before going to bed, or for the father to pray with his wife and children before going to school or work, or to have family devotions at the dinner table. It wasnt until I was in high school that I realized that it is not typical for even a lot of "Christian" families to do this. However, I know that without the things that my father had our family do and that if my father had not made our faith in Jesus Christ so important, I would not be the person I am today and I wouldn't be involved in the church at this point probably. This is what I want for my children and for myself as a wife one day as well. I want a man who will pray with me, follow Christ before his own desires, a man who will read the word with me and participate in devotions with me and also feed himself spiritually as well. Iw ant a man who will encourage me to grow in my faith and will instill that importance in our children as well.
It's easy to think that I will never find this and that this is a dying breed, however I do know that with God all things are possible and there ARE men out there somewhere, I just need to stop looking so hard.

BIG day

Today is a big day. "Army boy" comes home after months and months of talking and never meeting. I am hoping I will be able to meet him tonight, we shall see. Regardless, I am excited he will be home in an hour and a half. :)