Missing Chances

Do you ever feel like maybe you missed your chance? I suppose in a way if you trust in God and in his infinite plan for your life it's hard to say that you missed a chance because He knows what is going to happen and plans it all out, but does God give you choices in his plan?
Someone brought that to my attention the other day. She said that she believes that God gives you choices on what to do, that sometimes he doesn't always just make it clearly apparent what direction to go in (really ya think?). So that got me thinking in terms of my relationships and I suppose lately I've been a little frustrated with the dating scene, being that it is non-existant for me, and I wonder...did I miss my chance?
Did I let go of the wrong person? Is that possible in all actuality? I'd like to think that God will in fact make it impossible to let go of the right person permanently, but I guess I never thought of the prospect that I might actually have to do something in order for it to all be right again. Maybe God won't just magically fix it, but I know I can't push something that isn't there.
I've been wrestling with this for over a week now, actually more like two. It's really annoying because I still don't know what to do....take a small bit of action or just stand idly by and wait for God.
I think I do know my answer, but I want to be sure.
So action?
Or wait?
hm.

To sum up

So it's been a while since I last bloggity blogged. Not many people read anymore anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter, but I would just like to make some summations.
I am now NO LONGER a "first year teacher" and let me tell you, I am GLAD GLAD GLAD it is over. The first year is always the toughest and I am proud that I am still alive after all the crap my lovely children pulled. Don't get me wrong, I DO love them, so much, but they can be little terrors. I feel like I am a mom to 100 little 11 year olds sometimes...and get this, I get the same little cherubs next year because I am moving up to 6th grade. I'll be teaching social studies though and let me tell ya, I am stoked.
Also the last day of school I drove up with my father and our friend Greg and we spent the next three days at the grand canyon. I'd like to call this EPIC HIKE 2010!!!!!! Rim to Rim to Rim in 19 hours and 55 minutes! WOOT! Rim to rim to rim means that we went from the south rim to the north rim and back to the south rim (although we had a day of rest in between the two trips.) It was an amazing experience and a great bonding time with my dad. I realized I am even more like him than I originally thought, especially in terms of perseverance. The last 4.5 miles of hiking we both just decided we were NOT going to stop and we kept on trucking. Also, I realized just how creative my heavenly father is. Nothing compares to the artistry that is the Grand Canyon and I don't know how anyone can look at that beauty and doubt for even a second his love for us or even the fact that He exists. HE IS THERE. Also, to realize the One that created that massive, gorgeous canyon is the same One who created me and cares about me and knows about every little thing about me, how truly amazing and humbling is that. It is a wonder to behold that the same One who created the Grandest Canyon ever also created some silly girl with blonde hair and freckles, and yet he loves me MORE than that beautiful canyon. :)

Also, in two days I turn 22, and I am not really happy about it. I guess because I just feel old, but I know I am not, so it's not really that. I suppose it is more of, I expected to be in a different spot in life at 22 and I am not. I guess that is a whole other blog post, and maybe this weekend I'll have some inspiration over turning 22. The girls are taking me out tomorrow and making me feel special and then my family on saturday, so maybe by sunday I'll have something enlightened to write about 22.

Where have all the Men gone?

Interesting title I know. But a valid question. And no I am not necessarily looking at this from a dating perspective, what I am about to say is just something I am noticing and it has been bothering me for some weeks. Ok, why is it that men no longer want to go to church? The past few weeks I have just noticed that the men in my age group are incapable of consistently participating in bible study or church.
And I am not trying to bash on the guys, but I am trying to convict them. Every week I look around and see a bunch of women....ESPECIALLY at bible study. There is usually only one guy at bible study, and he is there EVERY week. Why is it that there is just ONE guy? It really breaks my heart. I think something that is lacking is strong MANLY leadership in the Christian church. A common complaint I hear from guys is that church has become feminized...and I understand not wanting to go to something or participate in something that is not manly or even just not having "time" but cmon, those are excuses.
1. If you want it to be manly....well you're a man, make it manly, us women can't do it, and if no one else is stepping up, maybe YOU should be the one to step up.
2. You don't have time really? You MAKE time, this is your relationship with God and your duty to the church...yes your duty. Plus, us women, have busy lives too...I mean hello!?

Now let me clarify, this is not all guys in the church. Many many many men devote their time and energy to serving and to deepening their relationship with Christ, the problem is, I feel like a lot of the burden that those guys are carrying, should be shared with the ones who are being intermittent in their attendance. I am probably going to offend a lot of people with this post, but it really does get to me, because WE need strong male leaders in the church and men that show they are devoted to their faith. Maybe I am being unfair and maybe I am wrong, but at the same time, I think I do have valid points. And maybe too I just don't get it either because of how I was raised and how my father is. I saw him always devoting time to the church and being faithful in service and attendance, so it's odd to me to see otherwise.

I do apologize if I have offended, and if I have, maybe you should also take a look at WHY you are offended. Just a thought. Oh and please let me know if I am completely off base, I'd appreciate it.
Lovies.

Cracking down!

So the past few weeks have been borderline unbearable at school. I think it has been a combination of lack of sleep, stress and my children being crazy. After crying on the way home from work two days in a row, I decided that I would spend yesterday just sleeping and recovering, so that I could have a new day today. And a new day was had.

I cracked down. They're still not getting it, but I am hoping that if I can stay consistent, they will be better about their behavior. I am tired of yelling and lecturing till I am blue in the face, so it is ending now. I had so many kids facing the wall it looked like I was trying to teach using a method where the students face away from the classroom. I think it may improve, but I know it will get worse before it gets better.

I hope that it gets better before my spring observation, which could be next week or in two weeks. Very nervous....though, not as nervous as before.

Otherwise, life is grand. I love my friends, I love going to the gym with Kirstyn and Alyssa now. I have like an LA fitness posse....poor Franco. I feel like I always with the people from mission hope, and I feel so blessed, my spiritual life has grown exponentially from the encouragement I have found in them. I hope it continues to grow.
So, spring break is coming up, and I am going back to being a blonde baby, this makes me think I need to figure out something fun and sunny for spring break...what should it be?

The State of.....Me

Tonight was the State of the Union speech, delivered by our President. While I do not necessarily agree with what the President saw as solutions to our country's problems, it did give me a thought to ponder. What is my state? I'm 21, I had plans for where I would be in my life, and much like our nation had plans in the beginning, I find I have not reached the goals I wanted at this point in my life. And I wonder am I happy? Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

The past couple months or so I have been drifting between contentment and discontent. This has to do with the fact that I have so much to be thankful for, yet at the same time, I have been yearning for other things.
I guess I realized recently, I was basing my contentment on the wrong things. Which I do realize, happens often.

This past Sunday, something just clicked, it was literally like a switch was flipped and I was filled with a desire for the Lord that I have never experienced before. At least not to this...maturity, or for as pure of motivations I guess?
I purely and completely just want to know Him better, for the sake that I REALIZED, He is JEALOUS for me. (Thanks David Crowder Band) He wants me and loves me as I am and he makes the time for me and anxiously awaits my call and I have been denying him a lot of love without realizing it. With the experiences I have been having with being single and my discontent ( at times) with that, I can conceptualize the fact that I have been causing the same kind of pain for my Heavenly Father that I have been experiencing. Rejection.
Sometimes I wonder if God ever can feel not worthy or good enough. I mean, there is no way He ever could be, He is God, I am the unworthy one, but does He feel that way, like I do sometimes?

I'm rambling. That's not the point.

The point is, I feel genuinely content right now. I have shifted my focus. My focus is on loving genuinely and completely. My focus is to give my love freely to my Lord and not hold back or deny Him my love. I have been praying for my relationship to deepen with Him and I know this is my opportunity.
I am so thankful.

Now, on a less serious note. My life as a teacher is full of daily frustrations, but today was a good day with the kids, and one that gave me much to laugh about or at. One example being a random comment a student said to me today during math. It went like this:

" Miss Nick, did you know that when I was little I ate quarters?"
"Really now.....that's interesting."
"Yeah, and once I tried to eat a dollar."

Trust me.......this explains a lot.
I love my job.

Back to School Blues

Back to school blues, are what I am feeling right now. At least that is what I am calling it, and I think that is the reason I feel the way I do. School is back in session and I am thankful to be back at school with my students. However, I am sad right now. I feel lonely. I think it is because I am back in school and I am not hanging out with either my family or my friends 24/7 like I was over break. At least I think that is part of the reason. The other part is that I just feel plain rejected by people in general lately. I don't know if that is fair of me to feel, but I do. Lately, I feel like I am in a Dane Cook joke. I'm the friend that nobody likes and maybe that sounds extreme, but its just how I FEEL right now, just today really. I hope I get over it soon. Maybe I will after this week and I get back into my routine. On a plus note, I did go out with an old friend tonight and felt all cool at a jazz bistro in Gilbert called Warren's and it had amazing mushroom risotto and great music.
I am so cultured.

How Richly Blessed I am.

This is going to possibly be a very short post, as I just got back from Winter Retreat and am DEAD tired with the lack of sleep I have received this weekend. By the way, Happy New Year, it is officially 2010! How cool! Anyway, Winter Retreat in Flag was this weekend and let me tell you...my eyes were opened, my mind received understanding and my heart is now full. I am so greatly and richly blessed by the Lord with a great group of believers like myself and with leaders who really convict me and love me at the same time. Amazing, simply amazing.
I went with Mission Hope (college and career group at Celebration Christian Church) up to Flagstaff this weekend for a retreat. While we had a blast playing in the snow and being with one another, we also were taught the "7 Principles of Faith" (I believe that was the title, it's late give me a break). My eyes were just opened to things that deep down I already knew, but did not fully understand and also, I realized some things I was doing wrong in my day to day walk. It helped me realize that I need to declare things to the Lord, that I am thankful for my health, my Godly family, the husband God has planned for me that will be a strong leader, my children that will love the Lord and serve him, my career...all that, even though I do not have all those things now. I need to OBEY even when things don't make sense, realizing that out of REALLY crappy situations or even things that really just don't make sense, God creates a path for me and in the long run, there is a reason, I just do not see it yet. God is preparing me for something great, even when I don't see how He is doing that necessarily, it will all come in place eventually.

This retreat was just a huge blessing and I am SO thankful that I found CCC and Mission Hope and that I toughed it out in the beginning because frankly in the beginning, it was HARD for me to get over my shyness. However, NOW I have a great group of friends that I would never trade in the world and these friends encourage me in Christ and NOW they can't get me to shut up...I am sure some days they miss the shy girl they knew in August. Every day, I thank God for these people and this church and for the growth I have experienced because of them. It is an awesome thing.