One thing

Hi,


I still love you.


Just needed to say that.

6th grade

Is totally where I am supposed to be, without a doubt in my mind. I L-O-V-E it! My job is fun again, like I remember teaching being. I mean, it is only the third week in, and I am TIRED as heck, BUT I LOVE what I am teaching. I cannot wait to get into the actual history with my kids. Last week we did culture projects all week, where the kids basically presented their lives to the rest of the class, it was REALLY interesting to me. I have a very diverse bunch of kids and I love it and I am glad they were able to appreciate each other's cultures and lives.
I also really enjoy my team, especially the teacher with whom I share a door and the new SPED teacher for our grades. It's been a lot of fun hanging out and winding down on friday nights. I feel very optimistic about this new year, the second year is always better. THANK GOODNESS!

I really just wanted to update on my work life, nothing else exciting is really happening. I did go on an epic hike (not grand canyon epic)up Camelback through Echo Canyon. I haven't been on Echo yet, only Cholla trail, and I think I like Echo better. Once the weather cools down I might do a hike where I start at Echo, end at Cholla and go back....then eat at La Grande Orange! MMMMMMM! I found another new restaurant for me to get fat in!

Thankfully I just purchased Hungry Girl's: 200 recipes under 200 calories....it's being shipped to me as I type. I'm excited, because frankly, I cannot do my meal plan anymore and I am gaining weight....and I have a wedding to be in on September 29th, I cannot gain weight. :/

maybe I should go hike camelback again?

Lists and secrets

So recently I stumbled upon interesting journals while I was in Seattle. I like things that expose things about yourself or other people, I suppose it's because I am nosy. But one of the journals that I liked best was these journals called "Listology". Basically it's a journal of lists, for instance list the most memorable moments of your summer or something to that effect. I also have a love for the Post Secret books, again, it's the nosiness thing. I just like knowing about people. Anyway, I think today I am going to combine the two thoughts. A list of secrets....or things that I feel, but I would rather die than tell you. So here goes:

10 Secrets that I harbor in my heart:

1) I legitimately believe you are crazy and your actions infuriate me.

2) I've probably written your last name with my first name about 20 million billion times on notebooks, paper, receipts, journals, in dry erase marker, in permanent marker and in the sand. It makes me feel silly.

3) Even though I know where I am going after I die, I am horribly frightened of driving and getting in an accident.

4) Tell me how to treat my students or how to teach or how you think I should run my classroom without being a teacher or even in my classroom....I'll do everything in my power to not rip you a new one if I care about you, if I don't care about you....I'll let you have it.

5) I really want to ask you on a coffee date, but my pride won't let me...one of these days I'll do it. I just think you're one of the coolest people I've ever met and you were totally not who I expected you were when we met so long ago.

6) I eat peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon....and yes I double dip.

7) The more I read Pride and Prejudice, the more I am convinced my life is mirroring Elizabeth Bennet's in odd ways.

8) I worry sometimes that no one is ever going to measure up to my dad.

9) I sometimes sing loud in worship because I want to hear my voice above everyone else...it just brings me to a certain place spiritually

10) If you were a little bit older, I'd probably marry you, you're perfect.

Seattle, Singleness and San Francisco

So,
I've been on a girl trip in Seattle with my friends from college. Let me tell you, it's amazing. I love Seattle! It's artsy and fresh and weird. OH MAN, is it weird. For instance, a man decided to hula hoop, while playing the guitar and horn, and holding a guitar up in the air with his teeth. Seriously. Only in Seattle.
So I have thoroughly enjoyed riding ferry boats, drinking amazing coffee and enjoying Pike's Place like no other. Seriously, I am wondering if Seattle was built just for me. I want Pikes Place Market just so that I can find a man to buy me a BEAUTIFUL bouquet from the Market and bring them to me when I have a bad day. I also just love the laid back atmosphere. IT's been awesome.

But it would all be nothing without my awesome girl friends. I miss my girls from college so much and I am so thankful that when we get together it's just like old times....we're different, but we know that and we're ok with it, so it works. I just love that we can all come together and just be the best of friends that we were at NAU.
Another reason why I am CONTENT with being single.
I can have girls trips with my friends....without worry at all. This is just an awesome adventure that I get to have with my girlfriends, these trips are going to help mold me into the person I need to be for my future.

So, we decided....we're going to go to all the places and cities we want...each year we draw from the hat a new city or place.
Our options were:
Maine
Savannah
NYC
Chicago
North Carolina
Ohio
San Francisco
Boston
We decided we were going to draw from a bowl and our new best friend Jumaane the waiter at Delilah's Cozy Cafe drew for us. He determined, we will be going to San Francisco next year! SO excited. San Francisco is one of my FAVORITE cities. Seriousl loved it for high school choir tour. So I'm excited, and we also decided....even if we're not single....we're all going...you're only young once.

Missing Chances

Do you ever feel like maybe you missed your chance? I suppose in a way if you trust in God and in his infinite plan for your life it's hard to say that you missed a chance because He knows what is going to happen and plans it all out, but does God give you choices in his plan?
Someone brought that to my attention the other day. She said that she believes that God gives you choices on what to do, that sometimes he doesn't always just make it clearly apparent what direction to go in (really ya think?). So that got me thinking in terms of my relationships and I suppose lately I've been a little frustrated with the dating scene, being that it is non-existant for me, and I wonder...did I miss my chance?
Did I let go of the wrong person? Is that possible in all actuality? I'd like to think that God will in fact make it impossible to let go of the right person permanently, but I guess I never thought of the prospect that I might actually have to do something in order for it to all be right again. Maybe God won't just magically fix it, but I know I can't push something that isn't there.
I've been wrestling with this for over a week now, actually more like two. It's really annoying because I still don't know what to do....take a small bit of action or just stand idly by and wait for God.
I think I do know my answer, but I want to be sure.
So action?
Or wait?
hm.

To sum up

So it's been a while since I last bloggity blogged. Not many people read anymore anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter, but I would just like to make some summations.
I am now NO LONGER a "first year teacher" and let me tell you, I am GLAD GLAD GLAD it is over. The first year is always the toughest and I am proud that I am still alive after all the crap my lovely children pulled. Don't get me wrong, I DO love them, so much, but they can be little terrors. I feel like I am a mom to 100 little 11 year olds sometimes...and get this, I get the same little cherubs next year because I am moving up to 6th grade. I'll be teaching social studies though and let me tell ya, I am stoked.
Also the last day of school I drove up with my father and our friend Greg and we spent the next three days at the grand canyon. I'd like to call this EPIC HIKE 2010!!!!!! Rim to Rim to Rim in 19 hours and 55 minutes! WOOT! Rim to rim to rim means that we went from the south rim to the north rim and back to the south rim (although we had a day of rest in between the two trips.) It was an amazing experience and a great bonding time with my dad. I realized I am even more like him than I originally thought, especially in terms of perseverance. The last 4.5 miles of hiking we both just decided we were NOT going to stop and we kept on trucking. Also, I realized just how creative my heavenly father is. Nothing compares to the artistry that is the Grand Canyon and I don't know how anyone can look at that beauty and doubt for even a second his love for us or even the fact that He exists. HE IS THERE. Also, to realize the One that created that massive, gorgeous canyon is the same One who created me and cares about me and knows about every little thing about me, how truly amazing and humbling is that. It is a wonder to behold that the same One who created the Grandest Canyon ever also created some silly girl with blonde hair and freckles, and yet he loves me MORE than that beautiful canyon. :)

Also, in two days I turn 22, and I am not really happy about it. I guess because I just feel old, but I know I am not, so it's not really that. I suppose it is more of, I expected to be in a different spot in life at 22 and I am not. I guess that is a whole other blog post, and maybe this weekend I'll have some inspiration over turning 22. The girls are taking me out tomorrow and making me feel special and then my family on saturday, so maybe by sunday I'll have something enlightened to write about 22.

Where have all the Men gone?

Interesting title I know. But a valid question. And no I am not necessarily looking at this from a dating perspective, what I am about to say is just something I am noticing and it has been bothering me for some weeks. Ok, why is it that men no longer want to go to church? The past few weeks I have just noticed that the men in my age group are incapable of consistently participating in bible study or church.
And I am not trying to bash on the guys, but I am trying to convict them. Every week I look around and see a bunch of women....ESPECIALLY at bible study. There is usually only one guy at bible study, and he is there EVERY week. Why is it that there is just ONE guy? It really breaks my heart. I think something that is lacking is strong MANLY leadership in the Christian church. A common complaint I hear from guys is that church has become feminized...and I understand not wanting to go to something or participate in something that is not manly or even just not having "time" but cmon, those are excuses.
1. If you want it to be manly....well you're a man, make it manly, us women can't do it, and if no one else is stepping up, maybe YOU should be the one to step up.
2. You don't have time really? You MAKE time, this is your relationship with God and your duty to the church...yes your duty. Plus, us women, have busy lives too...I mean hello!?

Now let me clarify, this is not all guys in the church. Many many many men devote their time and energy to serving and to deepening their relationship with Christ, the problem is, I feel like a lot of the burden that those guys are carrying, should be shared with the ones who are being intermittent in their attendance. I am probably going to offend a lot of people with this post, but it really does get to me, because WE need strong male leaders in the church and men that show they are devoted to their faith. Maybe I am being unfair and maybe I am wrong, but at the same time, I think I do have valid points. And maybe too I just don't get it either because of how I was raised and how my father is. I saw him always devoting time to the church and being faithful in service and attendance, so it's odd to me to see otherwise.

I do apologize if I have offended, and if I have, maybe you should also take a look at WHY you are offended. Just a thought. Oh and please let me know if I am completely off base, I'd appreciate it.
Lovies.

Cracking down!

So the past few weeks have been borderline unbearable at school. I think it has been a combination of lack of sleep, stress and my children being crazy. After crying on the way home from work two days in a row, I decided that I would spend yesterday just sleeping and recovering, so that I could have a new day today. And a new day was had.

I cracked down. They're still not getting it, but I am hoping that if I can stay consistent, they will be better about their behavior. I am tired of yelling and lecturing till I am blue in the face, so it is ending now. I had so many kids facing the wall it looked like I was trying to teach using a method where the students face away from the classroom. I think it may improve, but I know it will get worse before it gets better.

I hope that it gets better before my spring observation, which could be next week or in two weeks. Very nervous....though, not as nervous as before.

Otherwise, life is grand. I love my friends, I love going to the gym with Kirstyn and Alyssa now. I have like an LA fitness posse....poor Franco. I feel like I always with the people from mission hope, and I feel so blessed, my spiritual life has grown exponentially from the encouragement I have found in them. I hope it continues to grow.
So, spring break is coming up, and I am going back to being a blonde baby, this makes me think I need to figure out something fun and sunny for spring break...what should it be?

The State of.....Me

Tonight was the State of the Union speech, delivered by our President. While I do not necessarily agree with what the President saw as solutions to our country's problems, it did give me a thought to ponder. What is my state? I'm 21, I had plans for where I would be in my life, and much like our nation had plans in the beginning, I find I have not reached the goals I wanted at this point in my life. And I wonder am I happy? Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

The past couple months or so I have been drifting between contentment and discontent. This has to do with the fact that I have so much to be thankful for, yet at the same time, I have been yearning for other things.
I guess I realized recently, I was basing my contentment on the wrong things. Which I do realize, happens often.

This past Sunday, something just clicked, it was literally like a switch was flipped and I was filled with a desire for the Lord that I have never experienced before. At least not to this...maturity, or for as pure of motivations I guess?
I purely and completely just want to know Him better, for the sake that I REALIZED, He is JEALOUS for me. (Thanks David Crowder Band) He wants me and loves me as I am and he makes the time for me and anxiously awaits my call and I have been denying him a lot of love without realizing it. With the experiences I have been having with being single and my discontent ( at times) with that, I can conceptualize the fact that I have been causing the same kind of pain for my Heavenly Father that I have been experiencing. Rejection.
Sometimes I wonder if God ever can feel not worthy or good enough. I mean, there is no way He ever could be, He is God, I am the unworthy one, but does He feel that way, like I do sometimes?

I'm rambling. That's not the point.

The point is, I feel genuinely content right now. I have shifted my focus. My focus is on loving genuinely and completely. My focus is to give my love freely to my Lord and not hold back or deny Him my love. I have been praying for my relationship to deepen with Him and I know this is my opportunity.
I am so thankful.

Now, on a less serious note. My life as a teacher is full of daily frustrations, but today was a good day with the kids, and one that gave me much to laugh about or at. One example being a random comment a student said to me today during math. It went like this:

" Miss Nick, did you know that when I was little I ate quarters?"
"Really now.....that's interesting."
"Yeah, and once I tried to eat a dollar."

Trust me.......this explains a lot.
I love my job.

Back to School Blues

Back to school blues, are what I am feeling right now. At least that is what I am calling it, and I think that is the reason I feel the way I do. School is back in session and I am thankful to be back at school with my students. However, I am sad right now. I feel lonely. I think it is because I am back in school and I am not hanging out with either my family or my friends 24/7 like I was over break. At least I think that is part of the reason. The other part is that I just feel plain rejected by people in general lately. I don't know if that is fair of me to feel, but I do. Lately, I feel like I am in a Dane Cook joke. I'm the friend that nobody likes and maybe that sounds extreme, but its just how I FEEL right now, just today really. I hope I get over it soon. Maybe I will after this week and I get back into my routine. On a plus note, I did go out with an old friend tonight and felt all cool at a jazz bistro in Gilbert called Warren's and it had amazing mushroom risotto and great music.
I am so cultured.

How Richly Blessed I am.

This is going to possibly be a very short post, as I just got back from Winter Retreat and am DEAD tired with the lack of sleep I have received this weekend. By the way, Happy New Year, it is officially 2010! How cool! Anyway, Winter Retreat in Flag was this weekend and let me tell you...my eyes were opened, my mind received understanding and my heart is now full. I am so greatly and richly blessed by the Lord with a great group of believers like myself and with leaders who really convict me and love me at the same time. Amazing, simply amazing.
I went with Mission Hope (college and career group at Celebration Christian Church) up to Flagstaff this weekend for a retreat. While we had a blast playing in the snow and being with one another, we also were taught the "7 Principles of Faith" (I believe that was the title, it's late give me a break). My eyes were just opened to things that deep down I already knew, but did not fully understand and also, I realized some things I was doing wrong in my day to day walk. It helped me realize that I need to declare things to the Lord, that I am thankful for my health, my Godly family, the husband God has planned for me that will be a strong leader, my children that will love the Lord and serve him, my career...all that, even though I do not have all those things now. I need to OBEY even when things don't make sense, realizing that out of REALLY crappy situations or even things that really just don't make sense, God creates a path for me and in the long run, there is a reason, I just do not see it yet. God is preparing me for something great, even when I don't see how He is doing that necessarily, it will all come in place eventually.

This retreat was just a huge blessing and I am SO thankful that I found CCC and Mission Hope and that I toughed it out in the beginning because frankly in the beginning, it was HARD for me to get over my shyness. However, NOW I have a great group of friends that I would never trade in the world and these friends encourage me in Christ and NOW they can't get me to shut up...I am sure some days they miss the shy girl they knew in August. Every day, I thank God for these people and this church and for the growth I have experienced because of them. It is an awesome thing.

I hate

when I can't sleep....

Especially when the reason is because I have too many things on my mind and on my heart. And I can't get the off of my mind and especially not off my heart.

To do that would be suicide. (figuratively speaking)

I wish I had someone, like physically here, that I could just confess all my feelings and thoughts to and they would just sit and listen and not judge me and just offer real feedback.
And I wouldn't have to fear of embarrassment.
or judgement. or be told I am wrong in every sort of way possible. or told that I am crazy.

I really feel annoying sometimes, or that something is inherently wrong with me that people just don't like about me and I am not sure what it is.
Maybe I am just paranoid.
But lately I do feel like I am invisible
and I just want to be noticed. Like REALLY noticed.
Why can't I be the girl that stands out? What do I do or say or look like that makes me so invisible or whatever....I don't know if you could call it invisiblity.

These were all just random thoughts firing in my head...hopefully now I can sleep.
I sure hope so. My brain needs to shut down for a while. I overthink.

Way too often.

Little Boys....grow up

A constant frustration I have, and many other girls my age have lately is with "boys" and dating. Where are the men? It seems the prevailing issue I am seeing is that all that seems to be available to single, christ-following women are little boys, who want to stay little boys. Where are the strong men of Christ? The hardest part is thinking that you've found a MAN, but really all you've found is a boy playing in his daddy's clothing. I am frustrated by the fact that a lot of guys, I've noticed (and it's not all of them by any means, just the ones I like apparently) just want to play games with women and not take the initiative on anything, nor do they want to take ownership of their faith and follow Christ fully and completely. THat is such a necessity for me. I need a man who is a spiritual leader, not someone who will bring me down.

I've found that more and more, I am beginning to compare guys to my dad and see how they measure up to him. A lot of them pale in comparison to the type of man my father is. He is truly awesome. My daddy is such a great man of God and truly the spiritual head of our family. I always thought it was normal for families to pray all together before going to bed, or for the father to pray with his wife and children before going to school or work, or to have family devotions at the dinner table. It wasnt until I was in high school that I realized that it is not typical for even a lot of "Christian" families to do this. However, I know that without the things that my father had our family do and that if my father had not made our faith in Jesus Christ so important, I would not be the person I am today and I wouldn't be involved in the church at this point probably. This is what I want for my children and for myself as a wife one day as well. I want a man who will pray with me, follow Christ before his own desires, a man who will read the word with me and participate in devotions with me and also feed himself spiritually as well. Iw ant a man who will encourage me to grow in my faith and will instill that importance in our children as well.
It's easy to think that I will never find this and that this is a dying breed, however I do know that with God all things are possible and there ARE men out there somewhere, I just need to stop looking so hard.

BIG day

Today is a big day. "Army boy" comes home after months and months of talking and never meeting. I am hoping I will be able to meet him tonight, we shall see. Regardless, I am excited he will be home in an hour and a half. :)

Stuck in a rut

Ever have those weeks where you just feel stuck in a rut? You're in a gloomy mood and it just won't go away? I've been stuck in one of those for a while. I have a lot of insecurities bubbling up, and it's frustrating. I need to find a way to remedy it. I had my first formal evaluation yesterday as a real teacher two weeks ago and had my post-observation conference last week. I was so incredibly nervous and totally doubted my abilities as a teacher. I got a pretty positive review back though. It's funny how untrusting of ourselves and of God we really can be, I was worried over nothing. I had images of being fired and having to go look for a job out of the teaching field forever because no one wants to hire a fired teacher. haha! Totally unnecessary. While I still very often doubt my abilities as a teacher, especially today, I still can rest in the face that there is a reason I am there because God put me there. That is comforting.

Last weekend I went to the Switchfoot concert with my family at Martini Ranch. It was AMAZING! I am so dead serious. One of the best live shows ever and I am officially in love with Martini Ranch as a concert venue, very intimate and just awesome, not to mention Switchfoot is amazing live. They played mostly their new cd and I hadn't heard it yet, I bought it and I am now obsessed. The lyrics are just so powerful, especially in the song " Your Love is a Song"....check it out if you can.

Been talking to a boy for the past 8 months, he comes home in about three weeks. very nervous, and excited, annoyed a little right now, but still excited.

Hopefully I can keep myself sane for the time being.

I went to Dallas back in October for Fall Break, I <3 Texas.

Sex and Chocolate

So, today my mind was having fantastical thoughts....as usual. And I began thinking about how lately I have been craving nothing but chocolate or something sweet and how it is almost impossible for me to not give into that temptation of finding something gooey, chocolately and amazing to stuff in my face. However, I know that if or more accurately, when I do actually eat that amazing, gooey, chocolately piece of heaven, I am going to immediately realize and regret it. Why? Because I know it is not good for me, and I know that it is going to just go straight to my hips. (Yay me!) So why do I continue to do it? Because at the time I think that if I don't give in, my craving is just going to stay with me and never ever ever ever leave until I give in. However, this is not true in reality.

I realized today, that this must be what men feel like in regards to sex. I think it is hard for women to understand what a power sex has over men, married and unmarried. So I guess the best way to understand it, is to put it in the context of our own cravings. IE:
chocolate is to girls as sex is to boys

like my analogy?
Anyway, as a single, christian woman, dating single, christian men, it is important for me to remember this, and have that affect how I dress and act. Because how I look or act can be like that piece of chocolate on the counter, tempting me to just take a little bite.....soon that little bite becomes the whole container of ice cream gone and the chocolate syrup bottle is half empty.
I dunno, maybe I am off and please feel free to correct me. These are just random thoughts that run through my mind.

The REAL me...

I feel that lately people have been either perceiving me incorrectly or don't completely understand me, or maybe I am just misrepresenting myself. So, to make it a little easier, I am compiling it into list format:

I am:

- A follower of Jesus Christ

-A woman

-A daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, cousin, best friend

-I'm the most loyal friend you'll ever have, whether you want me or not usually.

- I can be hypocrite, without even realizing it. Sorry

- I am not perfect, as much as I try

-I struggle with my self image

-I have a lot of love to give, I just need the chance

-I could be more loving at the same time

- I am emotional, however I DO NOT cause nor do I want drama

- I feel so old and young at the same time

- I am angry/happy/scared when I drive

- I am still afraid of driving, and I no longer completely trust ANYONE who drives me around

- I'm addicted to texting, if it's not your form of communication just let me know

- It drives me INSANE when people are rude to me because they are annoyed, just let me know before it makes you upset enough to treat me wrongly, I will adjust my actions beforehand.

- I love my job, yet it is sooo incredibly hard at times, I wonder if God knew what he was doing, putting me in teaching.

- Be completely honest with me, I will be with you

- I hope to one day live in Colorado

- Don't call me judgmental, just because I don't support Gay marriage, Obama, Socialized health care, liberals, abortion, etc. I'm entitled to my beliefs too and it is possible for me to disagree with something and still love the people too.

- I try my best to not be clingy, but I am sure I fail miserably at times

- Flowers are the way to my heart

- Even though I complain a lot about my students, and they DO drive me nuts, I love them to death, and I know deep down, a lot of their problems are a result of neglect by their parents.

- I feel like I failed in someway because I am not a missionary, and I grew up believing I would be

- My true dream is to be a wife and mother

- If I feel our friendship/relationship is one sided, I will just leave you alone eventually, I don't have the energy for those relationships anymore

- I regret my whole freshman year of college, even though I grew the most from it

- I get jealous of pretty girls

- I feel my one truly beautiful feature about myself, is my hair and even that isn't always perfect

- I think I have a compassionate heart, and a kind heart, but the older I get the harder it is for me to constantly show it

- I will always be a daddy's girl

- I am not perfect, nor do I think I am, but I know I sometimes judge people for the same things I am technically guilty of

-I usually love who I am

- I just want to be accepted and loved

-I'm a recovering people pleaser

-I go through different styles constantly

-Don't attempt to resolve a conflict with me over text message...at least if you're a guy. It doesn't work.

- I have a lot of feelings, and I will write about them, you DON'T have to read them.

It bothers me

It bothers me
a poem by Abby Nick

It bothers me that I am so tired
and I don't feel like writing anymore

It bothers me that she gave up on her lifelong commitment
and it somehow affects my relationships

It bothers me that you feel you can judge my relationship with Christ
and I didn't do anything wrong

It bothers me that I feel torn between two sides
and I can't help one without hurting the other

It bothers me that I am so patient
and yet others don't have to wait at all

It bothers me that you liked her picture
and hardly said anything to me at all

It bothers me that I have feelings for you despite our previously STRICTLY plutonic relationship
and I've been denying them all along

It bothers me that I will continue to deny
and you'll never feel them at all

It bothers me that it was THEIR disobedience
and someone constantly makes me feel like I am in the wrong

It bothers me that all these things bother me
and I'd rather just not care at all.

I just wrote this so that you'd notice.
YOU don't bother me at all.

Been a while

It's been a while since I last updated on my life as of late. To be perfectly honest, I don't have a ton of time to do so. "Why?" you may ask, well, I have now officially become an adult, or so called adult, I have started my long awaited career of being a teacher. It is still weird to say that. Yes, I am a teacher. I am called Miss Nick 75% of my day,I grade papers, I teach teach teach, assess assess assess and go to stupid trainings for my whole weekend now. While my career is very rewarding and I love each and every one of my kids, my job is hard. It's only the second week and I am realizing thoroughly that I quite possibly could be way in over my head. There is just a lot to do and it is seemingly never ending.
But....
before I get too negative.....I love teaching. I love my kids, and they are MY kids. I was heartbroken that yesterday one of my kids was possibly hurt yesterday in my classroom and it broke my heart when one of my students said he was deducting points from his day because he was born. I see how desperate some of them are for attention and love and I hope they feel that I love them, value you them and care for them, even when they drive me up the wall. And maybe they may not become geniuses in my class, but I hope they at least feel appreciated. I hope somehow I make a difference, if it is only in a small way.

Obviously, my life is only teaching right now. I am trying to maintain a social life, but it was weird for a while. I'm dealing with a lot of drama that really isn't mine lately. It's been taking a toll on me, but I would rather help support others right now. The problem is that I am trying to be on two sides at once, and it's not very successful. I wish I could separate myself from the situation, but I am not going to do that, because that would require me to separate myself completely from the people involved. And I love the people involved.
It's just a lot....and hopefully I won't destroy any chance of me having a good thing with a certain person because....I really would like the chance.

Long over due update

I recently got a complaint from a friend of mine that I haven't written in a while, so here I am writing. So to update on my life, I am now a certified teacher, have a job and recently signed my contract as a 5th grade teacher at Collier Elementary School in Tolleson/Avondale. I'm so very excited to start teaching and at the same time scared out of my mind. I just wonder if I am really truly ready. I probably could use a few more months before I will really FEEL ready, but I know regardless if I feel ready, or not, God will be with me every day that I am teaching. That is definitely comforting.

I recently went to Michigan to visit my mom's family and it was a blast! It's still hard to go back, because it does still remind me of Courtney, but over all it was a good time.










Ok, so I have this semi sick obsession with the show "Bridezillas" on WE. If you've never seen this show, it basically follows these women in the last few weeks of up to their wedding and the day of their wedding. However, these women, are the WORST bridezilla's I've ever seen. However, in all the shows I've seen it seems the bride is not just a bridezilla, she's just mean all the time, mean or spoiled or whatever. It is ridiculous! I saw one show where the bride SMASHED the wedding cake, in the bakery, the day before her wedding, because she said it wasn't done in accordance to her instructions (which, she admitted it was, she just wanted to show her authority....what?!) and stormed out of the store. She didn't look like she was showing her authority, it was more like she was acting like a spoiled four year old. It's when I watch this show, where I wonder, how am I single still? If these women, who probably somewhere have their redeeming qualities, are able to get married, why am I unable to find someone? It's one of the many questions I ask God.

On another note, I have been talking to a guy in Iraq for the past 3 months or so, and our conversation is kind of stalling a bit. Any ideas?